I just shot some coke for the first time in, oh, a year I guess. It's so nice, I'd forgotton. Edgy, but really nice. It's the opposite feeling to h, a feeling I'd forgotten, but I just realized I've been missing. With h, I'm happy to be alone, I don't want to go out and talk shit, I don't want to meet people, or dance, except alone in my bedroom, I don't want to fuck, or even masturbate. I don't want to do anything except be.
With coke I want to do everything. I feel extra super duper alive. The rush is amazing, life is so positive I could burst. That's what's dangerous. With every chemical high, the low is equivalent in strength. I feel like calling all my old friends, going out socializing, typing a novel, ringing relatives, drawing pictures, the world seems so easy, like I could pick it up in my hand. I know it's rampant in advertising, at least one agency in Montréal the creatives snort lines from their desks, in plain view. It's funny that these are the same people who think heroin is disgusting.
There are no lows from h, well, until you quit for good. Then it all comes pouring in, like being hit by a tidal wave of emotion. More intense than any physical pain. That's one thing I have learnt from using h, physical and emotional pain are inextricably linked. I'd always assumed they were very far apart.
Thank you to all the people who come here and read my ramblings. It's so nice to have someone to talk to. I never start typing with a plan, I just swerve here and there, pulling things from my subconcious and looking at them- often in wonder and amazement, for the first time. A couple of people have suggested writing a book. I don't feel like I could. I don't think it would hang together. My stories are short, they always have been.
That's why I love advertising. It's ideal for my attention span. 30 second TV commercials and radio spots, a headline there, a concept here. The ideas and the products are always changing, I have to hit refresh almost every day. I don't know what I'd want to do instead. Fuck the thought is scary. Just the weekend makes me feel blue. To balance the monster ethical issues I try to work on positive products and charity organisations. Also, I feel like a ton of ads are pollution. Not mine. I don't cast cheesy, unattainable model-types, I like individuals, real, full of quirks and personality. I always try to create spots that people will enjoy, through humour, twists and intelligence. I refuse to speak down to anyone. Aesthetically, I'm fucking picky too. I truly believe ads can brighten people's days and change thinking in a good way. They're powerful and I like that. It's a shame more people in advertising don't agree. Often I've had to fight not to dumb it down. Especially for the American market. Strategists have such a low opinion of Americans.
Ack. Breathe. Slow down. Apologize. I don't have many friends here in Montréal, I've either neglected them due to h, they've moved, or I'm avoiding them because they use. You guys fill a big gap. Thanks again. Please no lectures, I'm just treating myself, it's a once off. Hugs