Un-blinded
Okay, so I thought it was just going to be one night. One coke spattered night of amazingness. I could talk, I could meet people, I could feel every movement oozing fuckability. I actually went out alone and it was a success.
So when on Saturday I had to go to a scary sit-down meal, knowing no one except the birthday boy (turning 60) I knew what to do. Coke in my arm every 20 minutes. I went through twice the amount that had sustained me the night before. I charmed the elderly and I actually had fun. One small problem with me on coke, is that I need twice as much heroin to keep me calm. It gets expensive.
I breathed in Sunday, lounged and dozed in sun shadows. Waking up to the "let me out/let me in" meows.
Monday, I had an opening to attend. I wanted to enjoy it, instead of slinking around like I usually do. Unfortunately, now I know how. Coke. My track is getting scabby. But the thrills that surf my blood, they're bliss. And I'd actually forgotten that feeling existed.
I thought heroin was what made me feel good. Now I realize how tricky it is. It has confused me, blanketing my memory. Masking what used to be special and nice, so I can't compare any more. Fuck. This is another tangled post. I need to brush harder before I press publish. Maybe next time.
So when on Saturday I had to go to a scary sit-down meal, knowing no one except the birthday boy (turning 60) I knew what to do. Coke in my arm every 20 minutes. I went through twice the amount that had sustained me the night before. I charmed the elderly and I actually had fun. One small problem with me on coke, is that I need twice as much heroin to keep me calm. It gets expensive.
I breathed in Sunday, lounged and dozed in sun shadows. Waking up to the "let me out/let me in" meows.
Monday, I had an opening to attend. I wanted to enjoy it, instead of slinking around like I usually do. Unfortunately, now I know how. Coke. My track is getting scabby. But the thrills that surf my blood, they're bliss. And I'd actually forgotten that feeling existed.
I thought heroin was what made me feel good. Now I realize how tricky it is. It has confused me, blanketing my memory. Masking what used to be special and nice, so I can't compare any more. Fuck. This is another tangled post. I need to brush harder before I press publish. Maybe next time.
posted by tui at 6:16 PM
11 Comments:
Don't sell yourself short. Blog posts written through a drug-induced haze are charming. I met my first supermodel that way.
And fix your template. I had to post this three times.
the writing is great. i get a knot in my stomach when i read these ones, like i'm spiralling out of control. maybe there's no other way to write "high" than to write high?
Hi Tui! I hadn't talked to you in a while and wanted to let you know that I've read your posts on a regular basis and have really enjoyed them. Keep up the great work!
Tui,
A few posts ago you said 'No lectures, I'm treating myself, It's a one off'.
Just reminding you! I know how lovely shooting coke is but that is the problem, it's too nice, how do you stop wanting it...
Don't want to sound like your parents or like I'm nagging, s'pose I'm a bit of a hypocrite as I went on a bender myself the other weekend...It's just you were probably intending for it to be a one off and it will probably end up being a "10 or 20 off". And I suppose this is on the heroin diaries site so I'd better shut up with the concern stuff!
As long as you are happy, it's just I was extremely miserable when I had a full-time habit and I didn't even think it was the dugs at the time, everyones different though and I'm not suggesting you are unhappy!
I read your blog to start with because you use heroin, I could relate to alot of stuff you wrote and I found it comforting in a way. But I would still read it even if you weren't on gear as it's very amusing & I like cats!
Love Beth xx
I think you can be an addict and still be concerned for another addict or person. I mean it's reasonable isn't it..who else but those of us who abuse & use can have a better perspective after-all.
Right..so no lectures..here's a spoonful of experience then..one fucking nasty desperate drug blow is..perhaps not when it's all glowy and making you seem like you fit right in with the world you're blowing through all sparkly fine and ready to dine...prepare for the fall to hit in the guise of a crime.
Ahh our shortsightedness..no longer in check or discreet..as we cringe and we squirm and surrender the peruvian dream; while inside and out this sensation is really covered in slime.
Hang tough sweetie.
I know, I know. But thanks for the reminders. I hate even seeing people on coke, it makes my skin crawl. ii do have to be careful, it's so easy and cheap. Sigh. The way h used to be. The last thing I need is a double addiction. I'm going to just try and forget about it. Maybe restrict myself to once a month. It's just so nice to feel interesting and witty and sharp and full of energy and drive. I'd forgotten that feeling existed. Thanks for caring- t
As long as you are giving thanks for caring, I want to share something with you:
Hubby worked with a guy who was in the pen for all kinds of stuff. He was built and had prision "issue" tats all over him. He showed up one night when hubby was out for the evening at 11:30p. Needless to say, I was not friendly at all to him and told hubby the next day that I scared him. About 5 months later, hubby comes home and tells me that T is dead from an overdose. Mixed h and an 8 ball together and O.D'd. His family went to the house he had died in not knowing he was dead and the owners wouldn't let them in knowing that T had been dead for hours.
The whole thing hit us so hard and we were appalled at what people will do when they are surrounded by all of that. I didn't mean to give you a lecture but I know I'm not the only one who gets concerned.
"It's just so nice to feel interesting and witty and sharp and full of energy and drive. I'd forgotten that feeling existed."
Tui- your a bright woman. thats obvious. Take a step back here. you *know* that you do not need a drug to make you feel this way.
amateurs, the lot o' yous.
Ahhh...a self-proclaimed 'pro' in our midst.
Hehehe..
The very..you took the words right out..
"It's just so nice to feel interesting and witty and sharp and full of energy and drive. I'd forgotten that feeling existed."
It's how I see you now Tui..truly.
x0x0x
PS..I'm clicking away..
i want to see you be all witty and sharp! coke binge next time im in Montreal? lol...
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