Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Don't think

My bedroom is small, it heats up quickly. My hair is wet from the rain. Listening to music, I'm crushed with nostalgia. I don't understand how I could have listened to the same song less than four years ago, arms around my best friend, his breath on my face as he mascaraed my lashes, his fussy mannerisms, chewing his lip and smoothing his hair. The texture of his skin, pinky on his arms, the way he self conciously tugged his t-shirts over his belt. Big, tall. It hurts to think about him. How can this song still play when he is missing. Gone gone gone. I'd take a knife and cut off my own legs and arms to get him back. Anything. I can only keep every little memory safe, they're all I have now. That phone call changed me in so many ways. Since then I have done so many things I'm ashamed of. I can't trust myself any more. The nightmares pound me every night. They echoe through the day. Evil under my skin. I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry dad. The scars on my arm are spreading. I am a lego girl, numb. Moving stiffly through life. Paying the dealer my salary. Anything to not think. I'm just so afraid. I can't explain it. Maybe the statistics are getting to me. I feel like giving up. Merging with the cosmos where I can't hurt anyone, where I can't hurt myself. How could I do this to our family? They don't know, so they still love me. I'm no good with lies. It's hard to carry. But I'm so scared of seeing the knowledge on their faces. I have to keep lying. I make myself sick.


Blogger monicker said...

Do you ever think of telling your family?

12:45 AM  
Blogger The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

Is it really lying if no one is asking?

12:12 PM  
Blogger MAJOR EFLAT said...

don't let the depression get you...you need to get over those things...we all go home to our families for emotional support and comfort...this may be difficult to think of now but I know that in a few days or weeks you will get a laugh out of your guilty feelings...cheer up...life will go on...with or without them...

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Trying to do good said...

Tell your family and your friends that you need help, baby. And they will help you and love you. Good luck, honey baby.

12:32 PM  
Anonymous Beth said...

"is it really lying if no-one is asking"

No, I suppose not...But if it's parents asking their daughter how she is and she says she's fine (when she's not) then I suppose it's hiding the truth (which is similar to lying)...Stuff that causes guilt?

6:11 AM  
Blogger Issy said...

I lie to my parents all the time about the things I do just because I don't want to hear it from them. I think when you hear it enough from people that you care about you just stop telling the truth because it gets old. But the difference between me and you is that it seems that your parents genuinely love you. I don't care if mine do or not.

1:29 PM  
Blogger tui said...

I used to lie no problem, just to stop them worrying, or save myself a lecture. I don't know what's changed, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, or I'm afraid I'm drifting away and I need someone to reach out and pull me back to shore.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Issy said...

Everyone needs at least on person like that. I only have one "true" friend that I can listen to and she can listen to me. I'm not a social butterfly and don't care to strive to be one. I think if you have one close friend that you don't have to worry about talking to so they won't give you a "lecture" then that should be enough. Are you worried you're loosing touch with your family because of the choices you've made?

2:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tui, your story scares me, because you seem like such a smart, beautiful, and talented person. You seem to understand and be able to communicate you feeling ..so well. I guess that I'm reaching out and extending my hand to you. You don't have to do it again. Don't do it for "him". It's not too late. Asking for help is the first and most courageous move. That's behind you. It's OK to cry, and tell someone. Just Do it!

4:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aww, you look adorable.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous charles said...

hey you have got a nice blog ever if i don't understand all. (sorry i'm not sur of my English)

8:28 AM  
Blogger Too Dark Park said...


that is a heartbreaking post. you should know that there is no shame in admiting defeat. coming from myself.. i was in a relationhip with a girl for 4 years. it's ended in the summer just past. for 3 of those years.. i hid my addiction from her. i couldn't fess up. she was too good. had never touched drugs. she is the most beautiful, and innocent person i know, free of any harmful way of life.. she told me that if she ever found out i was into serious drugs.. she'd leave me. i was terrified of loosing her. we ended up seperating for completely different reasons.. we were essentially two different people.. i ended up breaking down one day this past summer. i finally found the peace in my mind to let all my guards down, and just spill it all out.. i broke down.. i let all my emotions go.. she listened, and she didn't get upset.. she was very warm.. and most importantly.. i felt an enourmous weight come off of me.. it did help me clean up alot.. not entirely.. but it did help alot.. i was in a much much worse place when i was hiding it from everyone... they say that coming clean with people is the first step to recovery.. i believe that.. you're too beautiful, talented and smart to let yourself keep living, and associating yourself with this dark underworld of a life.. i know.. i've dealt with the same.. please go see someone.. go to meetings, and keep going.. do something.. tell someone that can reach out. look for a job in a different city. move to Toronto.. you have amazing credentials.. im sure you can land a well paying job wherever you want to move. don't wait on it either. all of us are given only shot at this.. there is life without drugs. there was life before drugs.. that's proof in itself. call me whenever you want.. take care .


11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy do I ever understand that post.

Contrary to the above, the answers aren't that simple. Well, maybe they are, but one has to get into a place where that is possible, and I don't think either Tui (or I) are anywhere near.

Y'all writing in, you have to understand, addiction and love use pretty much the same brain circuits. You can't reason with someone being abused by someone(thing) they love, they'll just hide it from you, and be ashamed. And lie. And run back for more "love".


4:50 PM  
Blogger tui said...

Orval, you're right. It's so odd, I used to be logical, do what was best for me, fight for myself. Now, my logic is a faint voice that makes me feel sick. The new drug voice is so seductive, it's like nothing else exists except for me and it. No matter how many reasons there are not to use, nothing is strong enough to drown out the drug voice.
It's the same feeling I get with my boyfreind, he steals from me, hurting me over and over, so many reasons to say goodbye. But he's an ache that I can't ignore. I try so hard to believe him. I think that's what is giving me the nightmares. I'm lying to myself about so many things. I can even admit it to you, but I can't say it to myself.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Too Dark Park said...

hey listen.. i'm almost in the same position as you. im drug damaged as well. i can't ignore the crippling feeling i get of anticipation and excitement when i think of scoring.

it has to be done. it wont be easy right away.. or even after a while.. it will always loom there.. but the choice has to be made each time. i almost like welcoming the cravings.. i embrace them.. let them bother my stomach until they're tired of being ignored.

it's tough, and it doesn't always work that way.. but lately.. it has.

please call me.. i'd like to have a decent conversation again with you :)

be well..


8:02 PM  

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