Friday, October 13, 2006


I just shot some coke for the first time in, oh, a year I guess. It's so nice, I'd forgotton. Edgy, but really nice. It's the opposite feeling to h, a feeling I'd forgotten, but I just realized I've been missing. With h, I'm happy to be alone, I don't want to go out and talk shit, I don't want to meet people, or dance, except alone in my bedroom, I don't want to fuck, or even masturbate. I don't want to do anything except be.

With coke I want to do everything. I feel extra super duper alive. The rush is amazing, life is so positive I could burst. That's what's dangerous. With every chemical high, the low is equivalent in strength. I feel like calling all my old friends, going out socializing, typing a novel, ringing relatives, drawing pictures, the world seems so easy, like I could pick it up in my hand. I know it's rampant in advertising, at least one agency in Montréal the creatives snort lines from their desks, in plain view. It's funny that these are the same people who think heroin is disgusting.

There are no lows from h, well, until you quit for good. Then it all comes pouring in, like being hit by a tidal wave of emotion. More intense than any physical pain. That's one thing I have learnt from using h, physical and emotional pain are inextricably linked. I'd always assumed they were very far apart.

Thank you to all the people who come here and read my ramblings. It's so nice to have someone to talk to. I never start typing with a plan, I just swerve here and there, pulling things from my subconcious and looking at them- often in wonder and amazement, for the first time. A couple of people have suggested writing a book. I don't feel like I could. I don't think it would hang together. My stories are short, they always have been.

That's why I love advertising. It's ideal for my attention span. 30 second TV commercials and radio spots, a headline there, a concept here. The ideas and the products are always changing, I have to hit refresh almost every day. I don't know what I'd want to do instead. Fuck the thought is scary. Just the weekend makes me feel blue. To balance the monster ethical issues I try to work on positive products and charity organisations. Also, I feel like a ton of ads are pollution. Not mine. I don't cast cheesy, unattainable model-types, I like individuals, real, full of quirks and personality. I always try to create spots that people will enjoy, through humour, twists and intelligence. I refuse to speak down to anyone. Aesthetically, I'm fucking picky too. I truly believe ads can brighten people's days and change thinking in a good way. They're powerful and I like that. It's a shame more people in advertising don't agree. Often I've had to fight not to dumb it down. Especially for the American market. Strategists have such a low opinion of Americans.

Ack. Breathe. Slow down. Apologize. I don't have many friends here in Montréal, I've either neglected them due to h, they've moved, or I'm avoiding them because they use. You guys fill a big gap. Thanks again. Please no lectures, I'm just treating myself, it's a once off. Hugs


Blogger Stefanie said...

Hey tui! I've ben reading a lot of your entries, I really like your writing. You're a very real person. I'm glad I have someone new to check on every day.


4:33 AM  
Blogger Too Dark Park said...

hey Tui.. great post.. im happy you shot coke rather than h.. just stay away from it for as long as you can.. it'll make it that much easier to deal with.

i can't believe people use coke for creative purposes. thats the last thing i feel like on coke.. i can't imaging song writing on cocaine.. or performing music on cocaine for that matter.... to each their own i guess...

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Bluegroupmember said...

*hugs and encouragment back at you Tui*

PS - I think teh book could be 40 or 50 30 second bursts....any anyway that is what editors are there to help with. Don't rule it out.


9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, glad to hear you feeling energetic and creative. Crystal was the same high for me, coke less so- I felt like I could do anything, anything at all, and it would be so easy that it almost wasn't worth bothering! As for the whole book thing, have you ever read anything by Chuck Palahniuk? He's the one who wrote Fight Club and one of his books, Invisible Monsters, made me think of your style a little bit- the book is broken down into tiny segments, all of them seemingly unconnected at first. Very, very good book.

8:20 AM  
Blogger tui said...

Hi Anonymous,
I used to feel the same way with Crystal, but the downtime was more brutal. If I work it properly, I don't get too blue after taking coke, it's more like a jolt into reality, it makes life less scary.

I've read Invisible Monsters several times, I love that book. It's a nice compliment to have my wrting compared to CP. Thank-you!

8:36 AM  
Blogger Joe said...

You are a very enjoyable read. I stop by often, and have read the whole archive.

Take care of yourself.

1:48 PM  
Blogger The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

see i think as good as the high is on coke, there is a resulting low equivalent to that high. For some its worse than others and therein lies the throws of addiciton. Always trying to stay one line ahead of the depression.

BTW americans really *do* need to be dumbed down to.

the very.
PS when you gonna post a pic of your kitty kat?

4:19 PM  
Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Yours would make a compelling book in tiny segments, most definitely.
Cf. Abigail Thomas, if younger and hipper.

11:20 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

yea, but don't forget that writers like Palahniuk and Brett Easton Ellis (The Informers novel), have published these styles AFTER they've broken through w/a long-format novel. Stuff like this is almost impossible to publish right off the bat. in the 80s a form called "blasters" made its way into the publishing realm, but again...those 1500 wds. were written by already prominent novelists (Malamud, Updike, etc.).

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Amber said...

Hi Tui!
I have been reading your post the last few days and reading all of your entries. I am a dumb american LOL! In advertising.....don't worry no offence. I feel like we have so much in common. I have very very strange thoughts go through my head all of the time on the inside but on the outside I'm a sweet cute little blonde lady. I'm also addicted to cocaine and pain meds....

4:48 PM  

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