Saturday, October 07, 2006

Go me

I did it. I wanted it so badly, my mind couldn't look away. So I brought the cat, stuffed it in my purse to distract me, and went and got my methadone. And now I'm back safe, drug-free, in front of Law and Order re-runs. And I'm glad, I'm really fucking glad. $60 is just a sweet flush through my veins, then nothing. It's too expensive to feel wow anymore.

I'm surprised how good it feels, saying no. It's exciting, like beating up your bully.

11 Comments:

Blogger Amigo said...

Very good. Wish you the best on your road to recovery.

Further, you figured this out while you're young. I know someone who didn't reach the same conclusion until he was in his 40s.

10:31 PM  
Anonymous Peripat said...

I'm happy for you, sweetie. When we sit down and think how much of other things our $60 (or $100, or whatever) fleeting rush would buy us...

Well, needless to say, it's something I think about and stress about, but if I truly sat down and did the figures I think I'd die from shame.

Good for you, though. A kitty lasts a lot longer than heroin, and it loves you for a lot longer, too.

I love your posts, they make me think. Even if I don't comment... I still read, and I think.

(There was a post recently on your two male friends who suicided... I was moved to tears, but I couldn't post a comment. I'm working on a tribute to my first husband, who suicided with the help of prescription opiates bought off the web... it's painful to do, though, so I keep putting off taking it to the point where I can publish it. Nearly three years ago, and yet the wound is still raw.)

Sorry this got to be such a long comment!

Thinking of you... and thanks for the link! :)

11:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good for you!
Warm wishes, thoughts, and hopefully good tv for the holiday weekend.

2:42 PM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

You're getting somewhere... As in here somewhere, there's only one thing better than a heroin high, and that is every moment of strength, every act of pure Will you perform... Next you'll be stalking around like a fucking militant, trying to find the pusherman to fuck him up with a police maglight (just to prove a point to yourself)... But maybe your dealers are nice guys and you're not a violent manic...

4:44 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

Way to go Tui!

9:34 PM  
Anonymous mary blackchurch said...

Hey girl..it does feel good doesn't it..God I wish I could make that feeling last over the other..how I wish.

I'll always work on it..unless there come a time in this bloody draconian society that says..let em have what they want..I will continue to fight it.

But if that time does come..my heart will go back to the big O...it's who it belongs to after-all.

If I'd of caught this addiction up in my early 20's I may have stood a chance at finding as profound a lover in flesh & blood..as it is the years have passed..and it's the only one I really want.

Such is the delight that is heroin.

kisses for you & kitty.

12:00 AM  
Blogger Rocky Raccoon said...

At least you won that battle...

11:40 AM  
Blogger Issy said...

Great job Tui!

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm really happy for you!

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Beth said...

That is such good news Tui...

I just had a weekend from hell because of heroin (or my addiction to it), I've been thinking lately that I have finally got a grip on it, I've been sticking to my methadone and feeling good about myself. Then I got a £300 tax refund cheque which came in the post on Friday, I cashed it and not long after this guy rang out of the blue inviting me to a party on the coast. I said yes, don't know why as he has owed me a lot of money for about two years. I blew the whole lot on smack & crack for the two of us, he then needed petrol money to get home. We didn't go to a party, we just sat in his car getting high. All weekend. Now I feel like an idiot, I've got bills I needed to pay, food to buy, phone credit etc. But no, the whole lot gone on getting wasted.

I just don't think it's worth it anymore.

I like what you said about 'beating up your bully'. It is like that. I sometimes feel like being a heroin addict is a bit like being in a violent relationship. And your partner kicking you and hurting you but then wrapping you up in his arms and making things OK again...And deep down you know that it's never going to be OK until you get rid of him for good coz otherwise he'll keep on hurting you. Or maybe even kill you one day.

Beth x

8:45 AM  
Blogger tui said...

Oh Beth, that sucks, I know the feeling so well. Nice tidy sum, best intentions, somehow dope casts a spell, it plays tricks. I hate that sinking stomach sick with realization. And the worse thing is, it happens to me over and over again. Chin up. xx

1:01 PM  

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