Saturday, January 29, 2011

Not quite dead







I'm not slashed of throat, formaldahyded, or scattered to the howling winds. 

I'm still out there, here, somewhere, my legs climbing stairs, hands typing inane ad copy for brand giants. Still smoking cigs on the balcony on level 11. Still waiting for him to deliver my "lunch". 

As soon as I see his car, I'm triple pressing the elevator button, willing the doors to open. Hands trembling, forehead wet. Stomach being gnawed by rats. Skidding through the foyer in heels. I lean through his car window, he gives me a banana, a nectarine, and a syringe full of drugs.

Sometimes, in the elevator on the way up, eyes on the lights as they ding though the floors, I'll rest my stupid head on the cool aluminum walls with relief, sometimes I'll do a mental little wriggly alone-dance. I hate myself for this happiness. This compulsive need. But I just can't seem to stop, it's in me now, it's got me, this need that means enough to lie for. To live a double life for. 

Truer than any true love. My very cells are love-sick until their daily kiss. My selfish, parasitic lover is oblivious. The only lover you know for certain will never leave you. Til death do us part as they say. That is his break up routine. So very fucking loyal.


Once in the office bathroom, by the bulb that doesn't shine bright enough, when I see that glorious rosy plume of blood, that is the moment I work until 8pm for. The reason I give my dealer more than my landlord. The reason the dealer always gets paid, the landlord, if he's lucky. Bowed head, bloody wrists. Another droplet hits the floor. The colour sweeps back through my cheeks, my eyes are clearer, like make-up on a mannequin. A polished apple, rotten and dead inside. 

17 Comments:

Anonymous ari said...

You are such an amazing writer. As infrequently as you post, I am always excited to read, and am delighted when I see a post appear on my reader.

Just so you know. I think you're amazing.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Rui said...

Its always a relief to read your posts.. But i wish it wasnt a relief of knowing that u r alive. i wish the relief was to know what a great day you had and wanted to share it with all of us. i dont know how or when but i know that you will come out of this. This is ONE break up for which im praying, fervently.

12:34 AM  
Blogger John in Boston said...

Ah Tui,
I do love your writing so. Every post is like a visit from an old friend, excitement for what it may bring, pain in recognition of shared demons, and hope for a brighter future. Stay well my dear.
John

1:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where to start. Happy that you're alive, pleased to read your writing once more, but saddened that you're using again.

Though perhaps not, is this a look back to Toronto(?) when you were a cube denizen for a marketing agency and this vignette is part catharsis and part memoir.

J

2:06 PM  
Blogger tui said...

Thank-you all :)

Unfortunately this is not a look back in time. Time feels like it has stood still. Endless days of self-defeat and all that.

<3 tui

5:17 PM  
Anonymous Kelley said...

So glad to see that you've written another post. I read my blogs every few days or so, and always check in on your's to see if you have written anything. Very happy to see that you have. And that you're still alive and kicking! Try to check in a little miore...you may not know it, but you have a ton of people out here in 'blogsphere' that love you and your words!!

Kelley

12:40 PM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hi Tui,

So glad to hear from you again! I LOVE your writing and am glad to see it. As for your lover, I think I understand all too well. Keep fighting the good fight . . .

6:08 PM  
Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Ditto. You're the best, really. Here's to grace and open possibility.

1:11 AM  
Blogger jodi said...

Tui, have you looked into Suboxone? Studies have been good and maybe you could get some relief from the stranglehold 'it' has on you.

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blah, blah, blah, same shit different YEAR. Your life has become a total waste. You supposedly hate your double life, but many people manage to quit. Guess you don't hate it too much. And one day you're going to realize that it's too late to catch up with all the money you work for but never save.

4:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't care anymore. You're boring now.

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anonymous before me YOU"re boring. go somewhere else! tui, i hope you're still alive, it's been a while. :(

1:41 PM  
Anonymous Kimberley said...

Tui, I've been following your writing for about 3 years, I'm not sure how I found it, but I know why. I wanted to understand how my boyfriend lived, that is what it was like to be a heroin addict. I haven't been back here since early feb 2010 as that's when he died. Somehow, I have come back. I went through his apartment after he had died there, unfound for 8 days, a promise to collect his journals - to make sure his parents never read them.
I wish you all the best Tui

10:49 AM  
Blogger hapi said...

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7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We miss you. Come back to us.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Finca Vigia said...

Hey Tui,
I had a strange day. Memory works so unpredictably sometimes...like today. I was sitting, reading some bukowski and I thought of you out of the blue.

It has been some time for me. I think I got scared of periodic looks in on here. I never knew when....well you know.

I hope you are doing well...or as well as...you know.

I miss our emails.

shaun

7:32 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

Hi, I just started reading your posts and am blown away by your writing. I'm living a parallel life and always love finding company. You know what they say about misery...

2:47 PM  

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