Tuesday, October 03, 2006

One two

Two Michaels.
Both 23 (when IT happened). Same year of birth. Both gay. Both had been abused. Both brought up in small town NZ. Both had closeminded families who wouldn't accept their sexuality. Both tried to be straight, dating girls at high school. Both had drug addictions- although to different drugs. Both have lived with me, and cooked dinner with me, drinking, dancing around the living room, modelling different outfits and umming and ahhing. Fallen asleep curled in front of shitty movies. Held me tight as I rained salty tears. Both gorgeous, lanky, dark haired boys. Both could have been famous. One hung himself for his best friend to find, swinging over her, blinking his last moments. One gassed himself in his car, alone, in the parking lot at work.


Anonymous Bethany said...

Fuck...That's awful

Don't know if you heard about the English man who was on holiday recently, think he was in Greece but not sure, it was in the papers a lot here. He was away somewhere anyway with his wife and two young children, he had an argument with his wife and jumped off the balcony with the children, the little girl and him survived but the boy died. It turned out afterwards that both the mans brothers had committed suicide. I wonder if suicidal tendancies run in families or maybe if you have a close relative that kills themself then you can't cope with it and want to die...It's one thing wanting to kill yourself but you have to be v v ill to want to take your kids too...

Three years ago I went to two funerals in one month, Lisa jumped off a multi storey car park and James jumped in front of a train, Weird thing was I had seen James at the hospital a couple of days before and he seemed really happy. But maybe if your suicidal and you have set a date for dying it gives you comfort to know you'll be gone soon.

11:11 AM  
Blogger tui said...

I think you're right. The last conversation I had with on eof the Michaels, we were talking about a mutual friend of ours who had just killed themselves. I couldn't understand why, as everything was going so well for him, he'd just been flown to LA by the makers of the Simpsons, who wanted to turn his comic books into a TV show. Michael explained that when someone has been thinking about suicide for a really long time but always put it off because things will get better, and then everything is as good as it can be, and they still want to die- that's when they know for sure. It was the same way with him too. I hate it. I wish I could go back in time and change everything.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes people need to feel good for a while to get enough motivation to take their own life...

Counter intuitive isn't it?

Felt sad about the 2 guys...

3:41 PM  
Blogger monicker said...

This makes me really sad and bitter. I want to throttle every person who is ignorant enough to create someone else's life a living hell.

6:25 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

we are very, very, very good at hiding it.

7:07 PM  
Anonymous Bethany said...


What did you mean by that? (Sorry to appear thick but I don't understand what you meant, just interested that's all).

I find suicide hard to get my head round, probably because I've never felt like I want to die. My Dad has been suicidal for over a year now and for the first few months I would try and talk him out of it and point out the positive things in life but he can't see them, he hates living and he hates life in general so I don't try and talk him round now. He still hasn't killed himself but talks about it all the time. Sounds heartless but sometimes I wish he would do it because he is so so sad and he would be happier if he wasn't here..S'pose a lot of people do recover from depression and feeling suicidal, hope he does - just feel very lucky to not have experienced it.

Anyway, great blog as always Tui,

Cheers - Beth x

12:19 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

by the way, how does one gas oneself in a car...outside in a parking lot??

did he syphon the c.m. through a tube of some sorts? i tried that. it doesn't work too well. besides, hanging in a parked car in plain view, with a rubber hose running from the muffler to the inside, attracts a lot of unwanted attention.

bethany, i'm banking what moniker means is that it's usually other fuckos who drive us over the edge. usually, but not always.

2:49 PM  
Blogger tui said...

Siphoned it through a tube. I wish it hadn't worked. He explained to me one time how to do it. It was a school's parking lot where he taught, private, very early morning. They saw him do it on the security cameras, but it was too late.

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Bethany said...

I can't understand why people die awful violent deaths in front of trains/off cliffs/off bridges/slit wrists etc etc. when you can overdose. I just wouldn't have the guts to do something that is going to be so painful/dramatic even if just for a split second. But then if you are looking forward to it then I don't suppose it really matters that much. If someone is doing it for revenge then I suppose the uglier the better maybe...

Would much rather go to sleep and not wake up.

5:43 AM  
Blogger Sassy Brown said...

holy shit when i read that. shivers.
beautiful boys, rest in peace.

12:01 PM  
Blogger monicker said...

bethany - sorry if I was vague. Cholarasta got it. It makes me sad that both Michaels were abused and oppressed by their close-minded families, and no doubt others in their community. I grew up surrounded by ignorant people who feel that ill-treatment of someone is okay if they don't fit into a box.

5:33 PM  
Anonymous mary said...

Pain sucks

1:52 PM  

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