Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Just thinking

He's wheezing squeekily, licking his tail purposefully, like he's ticking off a chore. I'm lying warm and damp, radiating heat, hair spread out, flowing over my pillow the way a young maiden's would, or an old women all done up, dressed up for death. You know who I mean, she's swallowed all her bright little pills and lays herself out in a frilly lilac gown with her best jewellery, holds a note in one hand and waits. A kind of sleeping beauty, like me. My eyes blur over, colours sing lullabys.

Every so often I reach out to stroke the cat, warily it shuffles a couple of inches back. My mind dives into another dream, I steer it to the side of the pool and try to hold on. Then I remember today and let myself drift. I'm good at forgetting, that's why it keeps happening. How many chances do you give someone? My life is complicated enough without money disappearing from my account. Whenever I start to re-trust him, curl closer, kiss his neck and let my heart creak open, just a crack... it happens again. I know it will continue, if I don't leave him. The pattern has been set, it's familiar territory now. Like a snowball out of control, he's got a talent there, big blue eyes, so very genuine. Anyone else and I'd file a police report. Maybe it's time. Although the thought makes my skin crawl. The police are not my friends.

The cat tenderly bites my hand, he has a tiny, pink erection, like a stamen in a flower.

6 Comments:

Anonymous maru said...

Ahh sweet Tui..are you still in love with he who hasn't your best interest at heart..why do we accept these ypes of 'love' for ourselves I wonder. Admittedly the only 'lover' I've ever let treat me badly was..and is still opiates.

So who am I to say what is good or not for you..I am too selfish to share..and you at least love someone enough to share...to keep giving of yourself.

There is honor in that..however confusing. Maybe this is how modern day love stories goeth. Whose to say in 200 years from they will not be the sought after stories..looked at as romantic yet passionate in all their disfunction..whose to say.


Just stay safe..

LOl@ Mr. Minew

x0x

11:43 PM  
Anonymous mary said...

Ahh sweet Tui..are you still in love with he who hasn't your best interest at heart..why do we accept these types of 'love' for ourselves I wonder.

Admittedly the only 'lover' I've ever let treat me badly was..and is..still opiates.

So who am I to say what is good or not for you..I am too selfish to share..and you at least love someone enough to share...to keep giving of yourself.

There is honor in that..however confusing.

Maybe this is how modern day love stories goeth. Whose to say in 200 years from now they will not be the sought after stories..looked at as romantic yet passionate in all their disfunction..whose to say.


Just stay safe..

LOl@ Mr. Minew

11:46 PM  
Anonymous me again.... said...

oh dear double post..sorry..thought the first did not go through....i need patience or glasses or both.

11:48 PM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Yeah maybe if it was a one off then he could be forgiven but it sounds like it keeps happening...

Think I read before that he uses too?? Well I suppose that makes things even more complicated - I know when I had a full blown habit I didn't care where the money came from - even if it was someone I loved very much. It is crap behaviour but probably behaviour that wouldn't ever happen if it weren't for heroin. Don't know Tui, tricky one - hope you sort it out Beth x

5:56 AM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

This is a tough one -- Love is so bad and so good all at the same time! Money is such an awful thing -- not having it makes you crazy and prone to acting in terrible ways. But not being able to trust might even be worse. Hope is all sorts out. Great piece of writing!

10:33 AM  
Blogger Issy said...

My ex drained our account when we were going through our divorce and I had an 8 year old too at the time. He left with ALL of the bills 4 months past due including the mortgage, car payment and every utility you can think of. Men suck when it comes to money. I've been with my honey for the past 7 years and we still draw a line in the sand about who has access to what. It's a shame not to be able to trust the ones that you love.

12:03 PM  

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