Saturday, January 24, 2009

Fuck everything

I was napping in the afternoon, when my mobile phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognise. The woman on the phone asked me if I was missing a cat. I said I didn't think so. She asked me where I lived, she was with my baby and he'd been hit by a car. I begged her that he was still alive. She said it was impossible.

She wouldn't let me see him, she said he was too broken. I gave her a bag to put him in and left over christmas paper to put over him, I'd recycled all the newspapers the day before. I sat for hours holding that bag in my livingroom alone. Feeling his warm weight in my arms, accepting the smell of feces with love. I rocked him and rocked him. Maybe I was just rocking myself. The fleas started jumping off his body after a couple of hours.

My boyfriend arrived home. There'd been a shooting on the motorway and traffic all over the city was gridlocked. He gave me a huge amount of drugs until I was too numb to cry.

After dark, arms around the still warm bag, I carried my little one to a quiet hill nearby. My boyfriend carried the shovel, and a bag filled with his treats and toys. He buried him while I sat smoking a cigarette and praying to something, anything to take care of my little one. We planted a pretty purple plant over his crushed body, and patted it down with goodbyes. He is at the edge of a cliff we used to walk.

As we stood there, reluctant to leave him alone, fireworks boomed in the sky above us, I'm not sure what they were for, but they were huge and glorious, like his little soul was. I've never met anyone, human or animal with so much love in them. The house has been very empty. I'd do anything to have him back. I could go on for hours.