Saturday, January 24, 2009

Fuck everything

I was napping in the afternoon, when my mobile phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognise. The woman on the phone asked me if I was missing a cat. I said I didn't think so. She asked me where I lived, she was with my baby and he'd been hit by a car. I begged her that he was still alive. She said it was impossible.

She wouldn't let me see him, she said he was too broken. I gave her a bag to put him in and left over christmas paper to put over him, I'd recycled all the newspapers the day before. I sat for hours holding that bag in my livingroom alone. Feeling his warm weight in my arms, accepting the smell of feces with love. I rocked him and rocked him. Maybe I was just rocking myself. The fleas started jumping off his body after a couple of hours.

My boyfriend arrived home. There'd been a shooting on the motorway and traffic all over the city was gridlocked. He gave me a huge amount of drugs until I was too numb to cry.

After dark, arms around the still warm bag, I carried my little one to a quiet hill nearby. My boyfriend carried the shovel, and a bag filled with his treats and toys. He buried him while I sat smoking a cigarette and praying to something, anything to take care of my little one. We planted a pretty purple plant over his crushed body, and patted it down with goodbyes. He is at the edge of a cliff we used to walk.

As we stood there, reluctant to leave him alone, fireworks boomed in the sky above us, I'm not sure what they were for, but they were huge and glorious, like his little soul was. I've never met anyone, human or animal with so much love in them. The house has been very empty. I'd do anything to have him back. I could go on for hours.


Blogger John in Boston said...

So sorry to read of your loss. Take comfort in knowing that he probably died instantly, and didn't have to go through hours of excruciating pain. My prayers are with you.

5:56 PM  
Blogger SICKGIRL said...

Oh how very tragic - I cried reading this entry. Next to my kids - and Jim - my cats are my babies. I know when Sara's first cat passed away two years ago - she was thirteen we think as we had rescued her years ago - I was shattered for a long time afterward, even though just prior to her passing the girls had rescued two other kittens from out of the woods and brought them both home. At least in her last year, she had other cats for company as she had been on her own for a few years at this point.

The can become a fairly integral part of our families especially if they end up having outgoing and friendly personalities. We now literally have a herd of them - two female tabbies and four all black ones of three males and one female. Yes, the vet bills now are outrageous. I'll leave this story of how I was convinced that keeping six cats plus two teenage girls under my roof, was in fact, a fabulous idea!

Now, I can't imagine having it any other way. Both girls will end up turning nineteen in the next couple of months, and I know that soon they'll be itching to spread their wings and venturing out on their own. When they do finally fly the coop, I'll at least still have my cats for company!

Sorry, to take all of this space up rambling on about me and my own. How very rude and selfish!

Take care of yourself. Again, I am truly very sorry to hear of your loss as I know how much you loved him. At least you had the good fortune of being able to share a large part of his very short life.

peace, love and happiness...


2:27 AM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Oh honey,

This is so awful. I'm so sorry for your dear one. Your description broke my heart. I hope you're doing okay. Sending all love and prayers to you, xo, Michelle

12:36 PM  
Blogger My Daughter's Addiction said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post made me cry. He was a very lucky cat to have had you in his life and vise versa. Take care.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The part about the fleas coming off him broke my heart.--Garfield

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww...Tui...I'm so sorry;

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tui,

Sorry for the loss of your friend, I know that you'll miss him dearly.

One thing that I've learned is that another cold nose can find its way into your life and you'll feel that love and affection again.

1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

With tears, I offer you my deepest regrets for your loss. I'm sure, in some way, he'll be with you always. Having lost my own recently, I can say, it does get better. Slowly, but certainly.

Take good care.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Erik Donald France said...

I'm also sorry, Tui. I know how much that sucks.

12:16 AM  
Blogger ruhi said...

its very very sad the way u lost ur dearest companion. any which way it wouldve hurt a hell of a lot but not being able to comfort him at his last moment is what hurts the most i guess...i have a darling dog n i can understand wat u r going thru..may pace be with u n ur lovely cat.

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"But one thing that getting clean has taught me, is that it changes reality."

Well apparently being clean (if you ever were) didn't last too long. Back on opio posting about how you and the "great boyfriend" are fixing up a shot on top of weed, subs and valium. You really are pathetic. Give up the men and drugs and get a life.

5:22 PM  
Blogger Dying4Something2Live4 said...

Tui, I'm so sorry to hear about this! My girl (dog) died after I had her for a good ten years. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to my little man (my widdle baby cat)! Keep your head up girl! I'm so sorry!!


8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sad to hear of your loss and sadder still to hear you feel you need to turn to drugs. You may not realise it but God is here for you. You just need to accept Him into your heart. His warmth can do more for you than any drug can.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Fuck it all, sometimes.

I'm so sorry.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I begged her that he was still alive"

This sentence doesn't make any sense.

2:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



5:54 PM  
Blogger ruhi said...

hey where have you gone dear!!!!...

2:08 PM  
Blogger Mary Blackchurch said...

I know time has passed since you lost your furry love Tui; it hurts because their love is as true as it gets and we're not afraid to (really) love them back.

All four legged animals are amazing gifts, but every once and awhile a special one comes along, a soulmate of a creature that no other relationship can or will ever compare to. Losing one like that leaves a tear on the heart.

I'm sorry.

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Tui!

I was reading over you blog (didn't know you had one) and come across this post. I am so sorry for your little one. I lost a cat recently and I still wake up at night looking for her.

I have gotten a new kitty, however. She will lie on my chest for hours during the night. She even hugs me.. it's so amazing. She'll roll on her back and I'll scratch her tummy for what seems like forever. I love cats and I know how easy they can become a part of our lives.

Hope you are enjoying your new kitty and that things are going well. Take care!

Chris (reddragon3668)

1:11 PM  

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