Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Welcome home

Damp like you wish your wife's panties were. Damp like the cave between a fatty's rolls. Damp like the towel on the end of your bed. Damp. Damp. Damp.

The jackets in my closet, leather heels, cowboy boots, the cushions on the couch, the curtains, mould like black lace is creeping between them, all over them. Invading my house from the inside. Black splotches are stretching over the ceiling. Like storm clouds heavy with rain.

Or the black billow that streams from the smokestack at the hospital. That's where they burn the diseased body parts, the amputated limbs, cancerous growths, cysts with teeth and tufts of hair in them, the unwanted fetuses and the beloved ones gone bad. It's like the hospital's flag, flying high over the city, so even in the park where life should be picturesque, you can see it.

I chase the mould with an armful of cleaning products and a bucket of hot water that quickly turns textured and blackened. I can smell it.

We've moved out of our bedroom and into the lounge. The mould is still there, but the air isn't thick with it. Our bedroom is unusable.

It's a beautiful old bungalow. But what can you do? Legally, the landlords don't have to do a damn thing.

The walls are thin. Our next door neighbour is in his 30s, tall and spindly, a crop of orange hair, he lives alone, slams his door, stomps around the house. I hear him yelling into the phone at night. He's perpetually angry. His anger seeps through the walls.

One time he screamed through the wall "shut up you fucking cunt" because I went to the bathroom. I think he might be mad. His mother pays his rent, cooks for him and cleans his house. She doesn't live with him, but she spends several hours there each day. She is angry too. She stands on the front porch and glares at me.

Two months ago, I awoke to a blood-chilling scream. It was coming from the flat through the wall. My boyfriend leapt out of bed, grabbed a baseball bat and ran underpant-clad next door.

The angry neighbour had woken up to a man dressed in black and wearing a balaclava, standing in his bedroom beside his bed, watching him as he slept. Like an ominous shadow. When he woke, the man turned and walked out of his room. Thinking maybe he was dreaming, he followed him, down the hall, towards the back door, through the kitchen. The man stopped, and turned. When he screamed, the man took a step towards him.

That was when my boyfriend came crashing around the corner and the man took off. They chased him down the street. But the man had a bicycle hidden in the long grass at the corner. He jumped on it, and was gone.

The street was quiet. Despite the yells, no one else had come to help. The police didn't even turn up.

After that, the next door neighbour stopped shouting abuse through the wall. But he still lies about us to the landlords. He still listens with his ear to the wall.

The 6 month lease is almost up. I can't wait to move.

I'm looking for sunshine.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Not quite dead







I'm not slashed of throat, formaldahyded, or scattered to the howling winds. 

I'm still out there, here, somewhere, my legs climbing stairs, hands typing inane ad copy for brand giants. Still smoking cigs on the balcony on level 11. Still waiting for him to deliver my "lunch". 

As soon as I see his car, I'm triple pressing the elevator button, willing the doors to open. Hands trembling, forehead wet. Stomach being gnawed by rats. Skidding through the foyer in heels. I lean through his car window, he gives me a banana, a nectarine, and a syringe full of drugs.

Sometimes, in the elevator on the way up, eyes on the lights as they ding though the floors, I'll rest my stupid head on the cool aluminum walls with relief, sometimes I'll do a mental little wriggly alone-dance. I hate myself for this happiness. This compulsive need. But I just can't seem to stop, it's in me now, it's got me, this need that means enough to lie for. To live a double life for. 

Truer than any true love. My very cells are love-sick until their daily kiss. My selfish, parasitic lover is oblivious. The only lover you know for certain will never leave you. Til death do us part as they say. That is his break up routine. So very fucking loyal.


Once in the office bathroom, by the bulb that doesn't shine bright enough, when I see that glorious rosy plume of blood, that is the moment I work until 8pm for. The reason I give my dealer more than my landlord. The reason the dealer always gets paid, the landlord, if he's lucky. Bowed head, bloody wrists. Another droplet hits the floor. The colour sweeps back through my cheeks, my eyes are clearer, like make-up on a mannequin. A polished apple, rotten and dead inside. 

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Mr Anonymous & friends


Mostly, I delete them. Sometimes I leave them. But the comments are clear, although he has never met me, Mr Anonymous loathes me. Wants me to overdose and die. In fact, a few years back, he even left a comment pretending I HAD died.

Let clear something up. I am pathetic, I suck, being a junky sucks, it is a waste of life. I agree.

I don't think anyone plans on becoming an addict, let alone dreams of being one as a child. It is scary, lonely. Something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

And I'm sure I dislike myself much more than you, Mr Anonymous, ever could.

Still, I don't understand why you care so much about someone you find so pathetic. So, please fill up the comments and let me know. I'm interested.



PS
I know I'm not special, everywhere on the internet, anywhere you can post anonymously, there are hellishly mean comments. That is the internet. What people do when anonymous is a real reflection of humanity. It's eye-opening and actually pretty fucking depressing.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Notes from above a shop window



It was 8am and I was in the shower when the girl was hit.

My boyfriend saw it all from the window. The day was dark and grey, roads slippery with rain.

The little girl was walking to school, the same as every morning. Neat in her school uniform, she waited until the traffic had slowed and stepped onto the crosswalk. A scooter stopped to let her pass.

What caught my boyfriend's eye was the car coming up behind the scooter.

It didn't seem to be slowing. The woman driving it had her head bent down, texting, or fiddling with her phone. By the time she looked up, it was too late.

She hit the brakes, but it didn't do much good. She rear-ended the scooter, and the scooter flew into the child.

These moments always seem to happen in slow motion. The sickening thud of contact, the small body spinning into the air, a messy twisted heap of child, backpack and scattered belongings. The scooter a mangled wreck.

I grabbed a woolen blanket, and ran down the stairs in my bathrobe and bare feet.

They had her lying on the wet concrete, dragged just off the road, to the curb. My first aid knowledge is pathetic, but I knew we had to keep her warm.

Her small pale face was smudged with blood. Big brave eyes, she was conscious. It was hard to tell where the blood was coming from. A panicky crowd had encircled her. Telling her not to move. I retreated.

The tow trucks got there first. The ambulance seemed to take eternity. They loaded her in on a stretcher much too big for that small body. The street resumed normal activity.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

This one's for you Matt


Funny
Kind
Generous
Thoughtful

I met Matt through this blog. He read from the very beginning. I don't think he ever once commented, but he sent me emails. Many, many emails. He believed so much in this fucked up junky. I knew that if I ever needed him, he was there. I found out today he's not there any more.


Matt, I'm going to miss you forever. RIP.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

READ

Nuffing much



So I owe you guys an update.

Work either has me traversing town at top speed between freelancing gigs, or sleeping until midday and mooching around in pajamas. It's erratic, but at least it's there (at last). Yes, the economy seems to be perking its nipples.

Even so, more and more beggars and buskers fight for space in the city centre. The music they produce clashes and overlaps as they just crank the volume louder. Even the Hari Krishnas now dance around carrying speakers.

Sometimes I sneak a glance at the proffered hats and see more coins and notes than I have in my wallet.

I asked a group of men killing time in a bus shelter if they had a spare cig. Too late I smelled the giveaway, they belonged to the halfway house across the street. "Can you roll" one asked. He handed me his pouch of tobacco. I was touched. Inside were butts that he had collected off the street. His stinking, filthy treasure. With much respect, I had to decline.

So often it's the people with nothing who are the most willing to share.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The day I met John Mayer


Not a photoshop job. Pretty awesome.


Somehow I attract vagabond-types, the odd, the mentally insane. The streets in this area are clogged with shiny bmw suvs in modern colours, their obnoxious drivers pulling into their obnoxious mansions. There are weirdos of course, but not many of the kind people desperately-ignore, with teeth rotting out of their heads.

They get me with a question, and once they have my attention, they're hard to peel off. I had a friend in New York who would just yell fuck off until they slunk away. I'm just not tough enough for that.

On Monday, I was accompanied on a 20 minute walk to the bank, and back again, by a severely paranoid, 40 year old conspiracy theorist. Interestingly, he had a lot of advice for me. A homeless motivational speaker. Listening to him talk was fascinating. He was hyper aware of life's little things, and darkly resentful about his past. I contributed the occasional nod. All he really wanted, was to be heard.

It was a challenge extricating myself from his company. Fortunately those sorts of characters don't have cell phones. I have an odd English-like politeness I can't shake, which results in me giving my phone number (under pressure) to people I really don't want to hear from.

As we walked along, he'd target people to ask for a couple of dollars for "gas", a cigarette, or both. It wasn't lost on me that he yielded the best results with pretty young women. They would look from him to me, and back. I tried to look blasé. Having slimy, stained, toothless drug addict acquaintances approach me in public before, I recognized the strange looks. Not all drug addicts maintain a guise like I do.

The last person you'd expect, that's me.


Paper art, so intricate. Not sure who the artist was, or who had that much patience.

Oh, and John Mayer's been getting such a bad time in the press, if you go with the media slant, this may as well be him.