Thursday, January 10, 2008


I actually kind of have some money, so today, I went shopping. Okay, so I still have a lot of stuff in pawn, and owe my mum, and friends and and...

But the main thing is, I don't have to come up with 80 bucks for smack every day. Thank-you detox.

So I did what I used to do, pre-drugs.

Listen to music too loud and drive from op-shop to op-shop.

Tried on ten armloads of things and came home with one arm-load. Not bad.

My only jeans I have here on holiday are falling off me (I don't know how I can possibly lose any more weight, but somehow- it keeps happening) and worse, they have blood stains all over the knees. My purse is pretty bad too, because the strap was always my tourniquet, but at least it's leather, so I can wipe it off okay.

I guess I need to get rid of all my needles, they still spill out of my purse when I'm looking for things. I'm not sure why I still keep supplies. Or why that's comforting. I've done the complete purge of all "drug-stuff" many times. Too many. Maybe now it's time to remember.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Tui,

So glad you're through detox! Shopping sometimes works as a good distraction. Love the images of the blood stained knees, the purse strap, and the needles. Damn woman, you can write like a house afire! That last line is a killer.

10:19 AM  
Blogger John in Boston said...

Hi Tui,
I too am so happy to hear that you are on the other side of detox again - a place I find myself as well. Please continue to write, your words are so beautiful, and though you are on the other side of the world, I feel I'm right there with you (in spirit).

10:43 AM  
Blogger Victoria said...

I do the same thing; not throwing away the needles or spoons because it's comforting in a way.
Hopefully you can find other things to comfort you.

12:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where you're at right now, is a tough place to be. Unless (and even if) you've already used, you're probably antsy from the recent wd, spotty sleep, anxiety over the relationship, the damage done, what the future holds and deep down , in spite of the consequences; you know that you'd use again in a heartbeat. It takes years and a complete change of lifestyle to heal a heroin habit, and an honest, thorough desire - the only people people who understand are people who know; how can anyone say no to a happy, vibrant day after weeks of monotonous, lifeless melancholy? The ritual alone strikes a nerve of pleasure and release. The scar needs years tho..

Best wishes, Tui, I know where you're at and how hard every minute is. I'm not saint nor preacher nor Big Book Thumper, just another junky who knows how cruel the clock can be..

pengo 66 -at- gmail d-t c0m

5:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh this is a nice post, it's normal. Pay your bills, pay down a bit on your debt and do something for yourself.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

get rid of the rigs!. change change change is what its all about. get ur stuff outta pawn as soon as u get the money for each thing thats impt to u. at least u still have u right? rebuilding is hard but it can be done! best!@

7:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Oh this is a nice post, it's normal. Pay your bills, pay down a bit on your debt and do something for yourself."

WTF do you think this blog is, a credit card advertisement??

You're lost, go home little boy.. There's trolls under the bridge and they like young flesh; you'd best get home before dark..

12:46 AM  
Blogger IVY said...

Wow. Time to remember. Tui, I remember I started Oxy because I wanted to forget.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous i said...

remember to breathe tui

10:33 AM  
Anonymous heroine/girl *for reals said...

Hello Belladonna,

I'm pleased you have completed what should hopefully be your last detox. It's possible to start a rebuild of your life and the real strength is needed to be happy enough without the smack. To love yourself enough without the brain clouded, your image blurred and your name blackened. Be brave.

Get rid of the rigs, goodness you want to give yourself an easy break and seeing them is a visual cue that your still attached to them. You still use them to define your identity, even though they are sirty, disgusting needles that need to be carefully disposed of.

I don't want to lecture you, but I am so firm about your recovery. It's time enough, Tui. I need you to make it this time, I really do.
I want so much for you, the world want's your talent, your story should be told. You have a gift, you touch people better than any opiate ever could dream of.

Start writing again soon, to let me know your alive. My email is Things for me are going good and I'm writing my memoirs, finally. I'm in love, family is sorted and I'm clean. I'm living the dream and so can you.

Define it.


11:34 PM  

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