Monday, December 24, 2007

Another broken heart

I hadn't been able to get hold of him. He hadn't been answering the phone.
Well, he did today.

His ex girlfriend- the mother of his child- overdosed two nights ago. Intentionally. Because of me. No she didn't die. I almost feel sorry about that, I'm so sick with anger.
She has been threatening to kill me, to slit my throat.
My boyfriend had been staying every night with her, while I have been away, trying to keep her alive, trying to protect his little daughter from her crazed rants and rage. Jealousy is a fucked up thing- and when mixed with true insanity, lethal.

Because of this... because of her, we have to break up, he says, his voice's flatness cut with sobs. He thinks he's saving me, and his daughter. He's trying to be honourable. He's sacrificing me.
How can someone say they WANT to be with you but they CAN'T? How can they say they wish they could spend their life with you, but they CAN'T? Just say you don't love me any more, say that and I can understand.

Now I don't know what I feel. Lost maybe.

Wanting arms around me, so sad any arms would do. Someone to tell me everything will be okay. Someone to love me.
I'm afraid I'm addicted to love.
Did I ever feel anything real for him, or was it all made up?
In love with love.
Homeless now, we were supposed to move in together when I got back. My life is upside down.
Drugs don't make me happy any more.
But still, that's all that I can think of to do, to wipe the pain away.
I just hope they're enough.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Oh Tui,

I hope things get better, honey! It's a hard, sucky time of year anyway and your situation sounds really tough. I hope your boyfriend sees reason and let's go of the ex. Take care of yourself, Michelle

1:41 PM  
Blogger dharmabum said...

I wish there was something cool to say...but it would sound phony. Shit like what you are going through hurts. It hurts damn bad. You know you are strong enough to get through it, but that is not any good for how you are feeling like shit now.

There is nothing wrong with being in love with being in love. Especially if you know how to love yourself first, always. Tui, please believe this much, you are a very likeable person. You will get through this.


3:30 AM  
Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Best wishes, Tui -- you deserve better and hopefully you will be graced with better -- here's to hoping for a great '008

4:56 PM  
Blogger dharmabum said...

Merry Christmas
Hope everything is going better.


4:32 PM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

you got rid of your wrapped-too-tight link?


happy happy 2008

11:31 AM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

remember there's a painless cure: death...

have you ever had to keep someone from going under from a heroin overdose and just stopping breathing? 9 times out of 10 they'll be furious at you for disturbing their high, they just want to sink into the blackness...


11:34 AM  
Blogger jsquared said...

i am a codependent person, so i can spot in someone good to you, that the best thing that you can do for someone else......

8:43 PM  

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