Again
Waiting for the sickness. It's time.
The duvet cover flaps over the window in my room. It's hung by push-pins. My mother bought me blinds, nice blinds. But they were $90. As I watched her pass 5 20s across the counter, I knew indelibly I would be back there, returning them for cash, enough to get high. Enough to not be sick. That was days ago now.
Yesterday, the last-last-LAST day, my legs ached early as I climbed the hill to the dealer's. Big-handed boyfriend dragging me up behind him. Senses raw, the fur of my jacket steamed in the sun with the smell of my own sour vomit. I remembered that day, now so long ago, tolerance still low, he held my hair back as I vomited out the car window. A different he, the same unstable me.
The duvet cover flaps over the window in my room. It's hung by push-pins. My mother bought me blinds, nice blinds. But they were $90. As I watched her pass 5 20s across the counter, I knew indelibly I would be back there, returning them for cash, enough to get high. Enough to not be sick. That was days ago now.
Yesterday, the last-last-LAST day, my legs ached early as I climbed the hill to the dealer's. Big-handed boyfriend dragging me up behind him. Senses raw, the fur of my jacket steamed in the sun with the smell of my own sour vomit. I remembered that day, now so long ago, tolerance still low, he held my hair back as I vomited out the car window. A different he, the same unstable me.
posted by tui at 6:30 PM
5 Comments:
Hey Tui,
So glad your back! Your writing is beautiful as always. Love the last line. Hope that everything is okay. Take care of yourself and good luck with the last last last day as you so brilliantly put it.
Tui..
im glad to see you writing again, but not too happy to see you've been using again. you were doing really well. i guess this goes with the territory though. i should be the last one to speak about that though.. i havent been doing too well myself. im on day #2 of being clean. lol.
i mashed up my arms pretty good trying to find a vein.. and vowed to myself that was my last time...
Reading this post makes me feel the dope sickness in the pit of my stomach. I love your entries because I can relate to every piece of them, and also because they really are beautifully written. I don't just read what you write, I feel it, too.
i miss you tui.
i regret not coming before you left.
i regret alot of things.
god help me.
I remember once I went on the Subutex or the "bupe" as they call it in America... then promptly relapsed in "secret" which basically meant I had to keep my using dead dead quiet, cooking up the whole batch and hiding works in books, all stuff like that - anything to cut down the time in the bathroom
so i relapsed and i'm not taking the bupe anymore bc that and heroin do not mix
and i end up sick as a puppydog
e.g. going out in midwinter, coming back in drenched in sweat
and even straightgirl i was living with knew plainly what was wrong in the end
o my!
and the great con, that i only figured out - i mean properly understood - years into my habit is you use not to get sick. not true
you get sick BECAUSE YOU USE
but that's the mythology of addiction
nothing's straight any more
except you take the drug "to straighten you out"
know what i mean
what a fucked up life!!
come by my place sometime, you can read all about my robos
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