Monday, December 17, 2007

Lost in space

All day I've felt like some great ice-cream scoop has come along and scooped my heart out. It was muggy, but now the rain is beating my washing on the line and there's thunder in the sky near by. I have nothing to say that isn't a disapointment. Chain smoking cigarettes that leave my lips dry but comfort me, a lung-hug, they stop my hands shaking a bit. I'm sorry. I wish I could write you a heroine. My hair and t-shirt are wet from the argument we had outside as the sky split open. Me yelling at him not to go. I was afraid to be alone. Afraid of myself. Feeling dark and full of loathing for the girl who is me. I'm not good at asking for help, even worse at begging. But I did, looking at the cracks on the pavement, the small brown loquats the birds had ravaged, squashed beneath my toes. The space between us filled with rain. I looked up into his face but it was closed, and his eyes were impatient. No understanding. Frustrated, he tried to reassure me that he loved me. IT'S NOT THAT YOU FUCKHEAD, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME, I'M JUST AFRAID OF DEATH TODAY AND IT'S CALLING MY NAME AND I NEED SOMEONE TO PROTECT ME FROM THE SHADOWS. But it doesn't make sense, even to me, why should it make sense to him?

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A hard place

just feel it, everything passes eventually

Love

kate

7:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aww tui, being alone sucks. when i was little i imagined that aliens had taken the form of my dear ones and i was torn between the need for their love and the fear that they will hurt me in ways i couldnt even imagine. every time i experience seperation i think its the aliens. :-)
and then somehow every time i re-realize that i must trust myself more than other people/aliens (you never know) ..

4:59 PM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Tui,

Beautiful writing as always! I understand all too well about death calling one's name. Sometimes I hear it at the edges of things and freak out a little.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous joey@dearhearts.org said...

It makes sense to me.

But that's the thing about a good friend, or a good lover. They'll stick around when you need them, even if the reason why doesn't make sense to them, but it's important because it does to you.

Chin up.

5:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh the: Go away! Wait! Come back! syndrome, I know it well.

5:22 PM  
Blogger IVY said...

I'm sorry... I've been so caught up in my own abuse whirlwind that... well this piece is really raw and emotional okay? i know you must have been feeling really raw and how you normally write and the description of you begging.. is powerful. of course i cant imagine you begging, i dont any insightful reader would. but it is okay. the worst thing about is after you push yourself to your worst emotionl hell you dont feel like you have retrieved anythng... that's whats so fucking sad for me. protect you from the shadows... that's the only think parker does sometimes but otherwise he is cruel, awful, lazy, and a huge leech,.

7:55 AM  

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