Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Paxilized

Like swimming against a rip-tide, it's been three months since I started the detox.

I was seeing the waves from underneath. Lungs filling with water. So tired, ready for an underwater nap. Snug in the tightest mermaid song, when Paxil helicoptered in, pried the mermaid off- its angry tail flicking, and winched me into the air.

One, two white pills every morning, and in return, ease. Release.

I was afraid I might never be me again. Might not want to be me again. But time is a good doctor. The fluttering badness, anxiety to the fingertips, has been cut out. Thrown out. Burnt like old love-letters.

I never thought I'd write it, or think it, but read this: There are things that are better than heroin. Much better.

13 Comments:

Blogger chapman said...

awesome! i'm relieved for you.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

What are these pills that are better than heroin? The needle really got a hold on me, and I'd like to know. Methadone? Cause that shit is just awful. You should check my blog out, yours is kewl, reminds me of my own junkie lifestyle... luv michelle

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Shaun said...

t,
i can't tell you how much i wish i was where you are. But more important, i know if anyone can keep it up there, it is you. Too much good shit comes out of you, it will keep on working for you. I wish knew what it was like to wake up and feel good.

shaun

8:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good for you tui! I am so happy for you.

8:09 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Way to go Tui!

8:28 PM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Tui,

So glad to hear things are going well! Love the line about being afraid to be me again. Feel that way all the time, I'm afraid. Captured it very well.

10:38 AM  
Blogger the walking man said...

But time is a good doctor

'nuff said

Peace

TWM

4:14 PM  
Blogger IVY said...

Wow. Holy Shit.
Love the metaphor about love-letters, and the one about the mermaid pried off.
Sorry if some of my comment consist of nothing more than pointing out my favorite imagery, but I hungrily go through entire books looking for lines like those, and love that I always find at least one in your writing. You know, those lines I have to actively hunt for, both in language as I hear it verbally and in reading words on the page.

2:24 AM  
Blogger IVY said...

PS. What is better than heroin? How come recovering addicts who are sober seem to know a secret that addicts can't understand??!

2:24 AM  
Anonymous mary_bc said...

That's good to know..and hear.

'Discovery,' the great teacher.

1:06 PM  
Blogger dharmabum said...

http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/

I spotted this on Michelle's blog today at the end under the literary website suggestion. You would...well I bet yours would be great.

seeya and hope everything is good

shaun

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tui, how you doing? Long time no hear, getting worried.

11:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TUI, WHERE ARE YOU?? WE ARE WORRIED. SENDING GOOD THOUGHTS YOUR WAY...

12:10 PM  

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