Mistaking
I wanted all the goodness. Not the moments in his grubby fluorescent-lit bathroom, waking up with a needle in a shitty vein. Stumbling, not walking. Losing things, finding things. Nodding in the cab, seeing the driver's eyes cold on me in the mirror. Burbled one-sided conversations. And then through the bathroom door and puking up my ginger ale/ wine/ peppermint tea. The bruises spreading across my throat.
And so I went back for more.
But even the second time, the shots much smaller now, sensibly-sized, my high was not the happiness of before. Nausea still, too blue eyes, avoiding my friends they asked me what was wrong. Something had changed. My voice perhaps. It's because I'm sick, I reasoned, irritably waving at the wait girl to bring honey for my tea.
But if IT'S different now, then who am I?
I was counting on it. A safety barrier, of sorts. Just knowing it's there makes life okay. Knowing the cure. The code. The goodbye-reality. Now, I know I should be happy... relieved. But truthfully, softly rubbing Arnica cream across my wrists, my throat, I'm just very, very scared.
And so I went back for more.
But even the second time, the shots much smaller now, sensibly-sized, my high was not the happiness of before. Nausea still, too blue eyes, avoiding my friends they asked me what was wrong. Something had changed. My voice perhaps. It's because I'm sick, I reasoned, irritably waving at the wait girl to bring honey for my tea.
But if IT'S different now, then who am I?
I was counting on it. A safety barrier, of sorts. Just knowing it's there makes life okay. Knowing the cure. The code. The goodbye-reality. Now, I know I should be happy... relieved. But truthfully, softly rubbing Arnica cream across my wrists, my throat, I'm just very, very scared.
posted by tui at 1:14 AM
19 Comments:
Heroin is a great actor and lier. It tells you stories that aren't real, it teases you with illusion. Some people spend their entire lives trying to prove it's truth but the real truth is that the lifestyle isn't worth the sacrifice that it demands. It helps (me) a lot to see it for what it truly is, just a drug (with a price) and not my savior like I once thought..
Could someone get this woman a book deal? Goddamb tui you write like an angel.
Tui, please keep being brave. A sign of the bravery is to know when to be scared.
Be proud you inspire others.
shaun
The honest ending takes you by a surprise turn. The way you are talking, one exepects the author to begin lying to themself. You end up taking a u-turn to the opposite.
Hey Tui,
As always, the writing is magnificent in this piece. The ending is brilliant. But you've got me worried about you! Please take care of yourself, okay? I'm sending all good thoughts.
Tui,
How about a short post please. Seriously.
I know there are others worried about you also. There are people on here whom really do care about how you are. You write so well ane honest it is easy to feel like one has known you since forever. If you are having a real hard time, talk about it. There is a kmw there is a new stop-smoking drug out there called "Chantrix". I just read a journal article that a Canadian doctor accidentally discovered an off-label use for it. He had a few patients report that it seemed to have helped them somehow with post withdrawal symptoms of emotional blankness and/or others like crying out of the blue for no reason and it also helps the part of your brain going again that produces natural endorphins, and it also seems to stimulate the reward portion of the brain. I mean it is hard to read, but he says the part of your brain that is the reward center works with other parts that when it gets the message that you should feel good it makes you feel good. Like when you get that first cigarette in after a good meal or a good romp in the sack. This drug has had amazing results with not only quiting smoking but also gambling of all things. Go figure.
I know it takes a lot of energy, from my one sucessful rehab. I know overcoming that feeling of being devoid of emotion and missing of the magic. Overcoming that for me hurt so badly. I felt as if i were blank and empty vessel and no idea who i was or how i should feel. I had three children and their Mother had just left us without a note, not even a "fuck you goodbye". I was such an asshole for making my kids go through that with me,and to this day it is hard to think about. So i know what you might be going through. If you are having trouble, use your friends either on here or at home.
Please.
You know my email if you need anything. I mean that, anything, well... you know what i mean, like a book or a movie maybe, a letter-card.Something you could order off the net. I know i should not be putting this on here but i dont know if you are checking your old email. Mine is click80@yahoo.com or dharmabumwarrior@gmail.com or my one at school.
Hey, here is an idea, start a wishlist.
Please don't think i am one of those men you mentioned that want to save you, i just want you to remember, that you have friends, who cares, no matter the distance or the method of contact. Paper Dolls need friends also. I mean i would send you a book or something. With the wish list you dont have to give out your snail mail addy.
I miss your stories of New Z. I have made arrangements to go visit my friend there. I met him when i was hiking the Appalachian Trail, I think i told you about him.
I am going to even suggest getting an Argento movie, i forget your favorite, but whatever helps. He finished the conclusion of "The Three Mother's" trilogy with (what else) "The Third Mother" which will be released on Halloween! He was given the largest budget he has ever worked with from the production company who sponsored "Jeepers Creepers" Here is a great Argento quote, "I like women, especially beautiful ones. If they have a good face and figure, I would much prefer to watch them being murdered than an ugly girl or man. I certainly don't have to justify myself to anyone about this. I don't care what anyone thinks or reads into it. I have often had journalists walk out of interviews when I say what I feel about this subject, they just never seem to walk quickly enough"
Please Be Well Tui
Sorry for the lack of flow in this.
shaun.
Shaun-
Please don't put pressure on me to write. On here, or to you. It just makes me NOT want to.
I appreciate that people out there care. But primarily, this is a journal for me, to sort out my thoughts, not to entertain you, or to feel guilt at letting you down by using.
Do you know how hard it was to write that post about using? It wasn't fun. I do not need or want your worry. It does not help.
Fyi I have only used a couple of times. I do not have a habit again. I'm okay.
Sorry T.
My bad, wont happen again.
i've had several habits throughout my life, and i know the fear and the let down and all of those things. i also know how good life can feel on the other side. you're strong and smart. i believe in you. thank you.
hey Tui.
i cracked my password finally. funny enough, this time on the first try. just guessed one i might have used, and presto!
i've started writing again..
as i've told you through mail i've kept up to date with yours.. very proud of your decisions. you put a smile on my face.
too bad i haven't learned from your lesson though...
So how much clean time did you have before you used again? We had a little bet going. It really wasn't hard to predict. When someone spends so much time on junkie message boards it is obvious where that person't priorities lie.
The choices were:
Never= 0
1 year= 0
6 monhts= 0
3-6 months= 0
1 week to a month= 0
A week= 1
A couple of days= 2
less than 1 day= 8
no theres nothing quite like it at all.
thanks Tui... i missed you too.
Tui, best wishes from Detroit. The anonymous hateful "bet" reminds me of glass houses and throwing stones for no good reason.
I'm quitting cigarettes, and it's a real drag. It's only been since July 4th -- I appreciate your moral support on this earlier and return it here. Making bets is cruelty, plain and simple.
Assnonymous with the bet..you're a real piece of work aren't you.
Bloody pitiful stuff.
u r a pretty rediculous junky aren't you? do the world a favor, stop crying and go back on the dope
im sorry tui. whatever you do - blogwise and other - i hope it makes you happier.
Don't be so quick on Shaun, I was about to write pretty much the exact same thing. But.
You make your own choices, and face your own consequences. But then I am a social worker, and I say that again and again, to my clients (damn I hate that term, "clients," you'd think I was selling them something).
Well, I've seen a lot of it, and this what I've seen:
Pretty much everybody recovering relapses a few times.
The thing that separates those that will make it from those that won't, at least in the short term, is them denying that they are hooked anymore, and can walk away, just dabbling a little as it were.
The hard truth is, once you are an addict, there is no dabbling.
Physical addictions are actually rather easy to beat, and don't mean much. Personal addictions, that is a whole 'nuther thing.
But so many of us have our own addictions.
Well Tui, I can't claim to know you at all, so I can't care about you as you, and that is the cold comfort of the net. But you write like an angel and an apostle and I would be very sorry to lose hearing your voice.
I do think that you could have an actual future with intensity and joy, could you wrestle this thing down. It will take a long time though.
Though in full honesty, guys like Miles Davis were addicts for decades, and produced much beauty during, even if their own lives were wells of pain and uselessness whilst doing so.
Well, nobody but you gets a vote on your life, you just have to decide what kind of life you want to have.
Oh, and I hope you don't smoke, quitting smoking is almost harder than quiting smack.
Orv
I fucking hate it when people say cigarettes are harder to quit than heroin. Most. Ridiculous. Statement. Ever.
Not being an asshole, just stating the truth - I hear this far too often and it's a ridiculous comparison. Ask me how I know.
Orv,
Thank you for saying that to Tui. I was really bothered at first that i could have hurt her, either by pressure or whatever. I could tell i bothered her. But... there is always more to the story and it took me awhile to get it what she was saying.
Tui helped me get through a hard time in my own drama, i dont think she even knows that. She just talked to me (email) but i needed it and she was there. I started caring about getting her communications. So i stopped answering. That is my way. I shut out dangers, having someone care about me is so fucking dangerous. Ironic huh? I did the same thing to her. I dont want people to worry about me. She was worried, and stated so, so i did not answer. I am an asshole for that.
So i tried to make up for it by writing that long comment, and i was wrong for doing that for a number of reasons. The main one being is that this is her journal, this is her life. She would have let me know if she wanted any help of any kind from me.
This is for everyone else who regularly comes and checks on this great girl. I apologize for airing things i should not have, in the respect of upsetting someone that you guys care about.
Tui, i am sorry for being on here again with this, but i wanted people to know it was my bad.
Orv, thanks for your words, i hope Tui understands what you are saying. She does have apostle in her doesn't she? That was interesting and intuitive. Actually i think she writes much better than any of the apostles i have read :o)
Tui, Everyday i pray for you, or hope for you. I hope you feel the love.
shaun
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