Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Repeat daily

Every night, dial that number, the code to bliss, wait twice as long as they predict, no other thoughts, hear the honk, slide over three twenties, get a tiny packet back, run to bathroom, pour packet into spoon, squeeze in a drop of water, light two matches, hold them until they burn my fingers, that bitter smell, the drugs sparkle, clear and rich, fill my needle, tie my coat around my arm, or if I'm only wearing a dress, take it off, sit naked with it tied around my arm, feel silly, but it's over in a flash, a scrap of toilet paper stops up the blood, so happy to be alive, every nerve smiles, stumble to standing, that taste in my throat, mind clean and fresh, my heart relaxes, funny thoughts, keep stopping my bike to write them down, want more


Anonymous Anonymous said...

sounds like your further away from quitting than ever, tui.

4:48 AM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

I love heroin too, sweetie, and I don't feel my years on smack were wasted time, no not at all.

But be honest; it's not being alive. Heroin is a time-out from life and from being human. It's instant transcendence from the human condition; from living in this corpse that constantly needs feeding and care and maintenance; from living in time.

It's a race you can't win. An eternal race along a bridge that's collapsing from under your feet.

Apart from this strange African witch-doctor brew we have spoken about, another good way to quit (to really quit - if that's what you really want, and at the moment, you're still not sure about that) is to drop everything and go away. Walk out of your life and into the unknown, into a new one. Sever all ties with the past, move somewhere nobody knows you, and become a different person.

In a way we are fortunate. Not everyone has the opportunity to experience life as intensely (it hurts, yes - "dreams tested on the over-sensitized cells of junk sickness"), nor the potential to undergo such a profound and abrupt change in habit, personality, thought patterns and mental maps as is involved in kicking... in the screaming bloody nails-clawing fight to become human once again... because for now, you are a different life-form, a heroid or heroinoid or such... truly heroin is the only real drug, the only one that metabolically mutates you into a different life-form entirely...

I know a girl who says she only uses to quit. Sounds absurd, perhaps, but quitting and waking back into this life and this imperfect flesh is a completely unique rebirth experience; one, again, which is not available to many people. Like a raging whirlpool in the head, everything returns at once - laughter, lust, tears, pain, pleasure, hunger - and overwhelms. Very soon you will be swimming in the world of the senses again, everything bright new and beautiful, and you will wonder why you didn't take that jump a long long time ago.

All the very best and forgive the lecturing tone of my comment.

(Heroin sounds expensive in Canada.)

12:21 PM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

Forgive me, I didn't come here to preach or advise or condescend. There was another reason. I enjoy your writing, or something... I enjoy these snapshots of another life.

12:27 PM  
Blogger The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

I guess this is a rhetorical question:

why is it not ok to be a functional addict?

2:19 PM  
Blogger tui said...

Very reverend, I often ask myself the same question. For me, it's simply a cash issue. A crippling cash issue. It's like a super duper expensive anti-depressant. It doesn't hold me back in my career at all, in fact, I usually get the coolest ideas when I'm high.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

the truly mad are the ones who DON'T use.
think about that.
they make it through the long haul without help.
absolute madness.

3:44 PM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

I am finding it incredibly difficult to get any work done without heroin. It's ideally suited to nights up in front of the computer, researching and writing. Since I stopped, I've had some horrendous aversion towards typing...

Yeah, those are the truly mad ones. But only the ones who know from experience what they're missing and not the ones who were too afraid to try.

Everyone programmes their consciousness in some way, whether it's heroin, television or yoga.

5:43 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

...or gin

7:09 PM  
Anonymous carefree catholic kid said...

Who is to say that for some people it could be actually metabolic? Do we know all the teratogens that could affect fetus's. Very recent research shows that during the transient exhuberant phase of the fetal brain development can be exponentially accellerated in certain cases. In such cases the pruning that should occur does not and the result is a overabundance of certain opiate receptors. (Medline)

Everyone should keep a simple analogy in mind when debating these things, we used to fucking think the world was flat, I know simplistic, but true.

I do not say yay or nay, I just say hey, if it feels good do it.

9:23 AM  
Anonymous carefree catholic kid said...

and i have to say, rude though it might sound, picturing Tui naked with her dress around her arm...well, I suppose it is your writing little Tui, but I can even smell the stale sweat of the anticipation and feel the stomach twirls. Hmmmm... fuck it where is my cell phone ;o)

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, the more I read this blog, and the more I see how totally worthless my life is anyway, the more I think I will have to get into the heroin soon. That's how I ant to die: by overdose. It sounds absolutely lovely.

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went through a period where I was using a lot of crystal, and it never got out of control but do I ever miss it! If I could find it where I am, I would in a heartbeat. I've never been so functional, and felt so incredible, while high. And I've never dreamed about a drug after stopping before either. . .

5:42 AM  

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