Friday, May 05, 2006

-

I woke up last night, and cried. I feel sick with sadness. You know when absolutely everything that can go wrong, does? Like you pay $20 to catch a cab to be on time, but you're two minutes late and they leave without you? Or, the bus just drives right past your stop on the day that you're running so late your heart is in your mouth. That's been my week. Everything that can go wrong has. I found out my boyfriend has secretly been working, he's been buying drugs for himself and has even bought himself a laptop, which he didn't even bother to mention when he got mine stolen. Obviously he hasn't brought it home, so I wouldn't find out. Meanwhile I have been supporting him in everyway, from rent to drugs to food to cigarettes, because he supposedly had no money and no work. From supporting him I'm super in debt. Drowning in bills. Fuck I feel sick. I honestly just feel like crying and crying until there's no emotion left. But here I am at work, trying to smile. I wish I could disappear.

6 Comments:

Anonymous mary said...

Tui..I get that you must really did this guy because you've carried him the way you have..and doing that in a relationship is sometimes necessary when one or the other partner is down..admirable even..but this guy most certainly does not have your best interest at heart..not even a little bit. If he did he would've been happy to tell you about his new job..laptop...etc.

People who care for one another share the good times and the bad..looks like this loser..and sorry but that's how I read him..only wants the good times and then..only if you, Tui..are paying. Or he would not have hidden the new laptop and fact that he got work..he would have looked after your things as you asked of him and not left a strung out stranger to rip you off..something tells me his story about that is bullshit anyway..he very well may have been a part of that rip.

I know you miss home..friends family. Allow me if you will to be the voice of some reason when I say...and it probably is something you already know inside but don't feel or want to deal with. Try and think this through without involving your heart. Is this the kind of guy you really want to be with or is he just filling a void right now...cause you know if he really gave a damn he wouldn't have done you that way..he'd of stepped up to the plate..been a man and helped you with everything you've been dealing with. Does he give a shit that you're left holding the bills..no..will he take you for everything you're willing to give..yes.
And then some.

My 30 plus years experiencein the durg world has shown me a few things..one is..if a person is capable of doing this to you on drugs..then they proabbly weren't that great even when not on them. It's a certain personality type that can do that to someone. He's not for you Tui..not from the sounds of this blog anyway.

It's the nature of the beast little one and when drugs enter the equation one can go from bad to worse in a real hurry. I put my money on shaking this loser off and finding a guy who really will care for you...and I don't think that'll be too difficult at all. Cause from the sound of your writings..you're a sweetheart.

Treat yourself better than this Tu...what's been going on as far as I've read..is total bullshit. And if I could tell you one thing to not do that I did and save you some good years..learn how to like yourself..I mean really like yourself..love even. The old saying 'We teach people how to treat us' is truer than truth.

Hang in sweetie..this too shall pass. And I'm sorry you had such a crap week..here's to next week being a beauty for you.

{{{hugs}}
Mary

1:33 AM  
Anonymous .::dharmabumwarrior::. said...

Tui,
I so want to tell you something to make you feel better. I know what you must feel at times because i have felt those same thoughts. I was also addicted to the needle, I would have literally hundreds of methadone tabs, but would still go cop a bag of dope. why...? I also know how hard it is to have someone you love dragging you down and making getting clean harder than it already is, as if that could be possible. You need to learn to be okay with being alone and you need to put yourself first for once, dont you deserve that? I feel like i can tell a little about you from your writing. Don't lose your soul, trust me it can happen. Especially the emptier you get of emotion, the smaller you become. Please dont let that happen you.

10:36 PM  
Anonymous sickgirl said...

Oh my goodness. This is terrible. Email me if you want or I'll be on instant messenger tomorrow when I get to work. Unfortunately my computer at home has gone and died on me but hopefully I can get it up and running by the end of the week.

Thinking about you,

sickgirl

2:56 PM  
Anonymous mary said...

Monday and no Tui..hope everything is okay.

12:56 PM  
Blogger tui said...

I'm here, I just got your messages. Thank you for all your good sense and reason. I'm surprisingly good at lying to myself where he is concerned. I just want everything to be okay, so I try to believe him. But deep inside I know. Thanks again... No laptop at home so I can't write so much. But later today at work I will post something... love to you wonderful virtual friends, it's funny how much you can care about people you've only known online-

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Yoshi said...

*Hugs tui*

Baby, I think it's honestly time you realise and do yourself a favour, as hard as this may be, and get rid of him.

Forget his threats, forget his words, this person is going to destroy you. He is obviously on a very destructive path in his life, of which you are paying the price for.

It's not fair, at all, you deserve 1000x better. You need to be cruel to be kind, or to be kind to yourself, and simply let this guy go.

How long are you going to let him manipulate your life, ruin your finances, hold you back from what you really deserve? and for what? for someone who doesnt respect or appreciate you one bit.

Please babe, save yourself, you are so much better then this, you don't deserve it and you can do better.

Some people are lost causes, don't let him impact your life any longer, kick him out, or move away, but don't look back.

You can't keep living like this, otherwise your never going to get forward. Remember! Live for tui, not for him.

xoxox
Yoshi

2:30 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home