Monotonotonous
Last night. Tonight. Tomorrow night. I know without a doubt. Rush home, fling door open. Find vein. Fall back. Snuggle kitten. Doze in and out with the laptop or a newspaper or TV program in front of me. Wake up at 11pm when the late (and lame) news is on. Missed anything good that might have been on TV. Didn't do all my extra work. Didn't do the dishes. Didn't do my taxes... STILL. My high is long gone. Slept away. Feel mad at myself. Curse drugs. Feel broke. Repeat.
posted by tui at 12:35 PM
3 Comments:
Decide enough is enough, seek help, feel bad, feel pain, feel good, see progress, maybe fall back, try hard, feel bad, feel good, meet someone caring, find even keel, seek more help, decide I am not going to score again, make it work (with help), feel good, realise that I've been off it for weeks, keep it up, work hard at it, life improves...maybe not all peaches and cream but definitely happier, maintain equilibrium.
Possible? Yes, but need to seek help from people that know what they are doing and need to decide that I want more from life...
It works, i know.
'Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight, you got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight'.
It sounds so easy the way you write it, but it's step no. 4, "feel pain" which looms the darkest, that's the phase that makes everything worth nothing. When the only options seem to be drugs or death, and I actually feel like I'm saving myself by choosing drugs-
Yeah, sorry...the 'feel pain' bit can be a bit rough. Need lots of supportive people around (professionals and friends)...I don't know whether you have access to that sort of support but it is worth seeking out. Sometimes you need the help of others to take you through things and sustain you...especially if you feel you only have the two options that you describe. People can care for you and help you...
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