Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Of course I miss you and I miss you bad, but I also felt this way when I was still with you

Volume up. Way up. Love songs all sound like they're written for me. I guess I'm breaking up with heroin. It's hard. I want break-up sex, but it'd hurt worse. I'd never be able to get enough.

Driving home yesterday, this town is small. I saw her face, her peroxide bob, and went numb. Dealer. Heart pounding in my ears. Pull over it screamed. Ask, buy, cook, inject. Do it!!

Even writing this, my pulse speeds, sick with want. I know where she and her pit bull live. That was the night of the shared spoon. Her bloody methadone swirling over my dregs. I knew she had hep c, but for some reason I'd entrusted my blood to her. The sour kick as I realized I had just gambled disease for a shitty rush. The endless wait. The difficult blood tests. And finally, just four days ago, relief. Another reason to turn the page.

Do I really want to go back there? No! (yes) NO!!!!!!!!! No no nonononono please no


Blogger IVY said...

Oh God. But for some reason you want to go back.. you should read "Notice" by heather lewis. Some people cant handle her. I think you definitely would.
Loved the lines about how all love songs sound like they are written for you and how you are breaking up with heorin.
I gather you are probably hyper aware of which lines are "wow" (being the writer) but I thought it probably doesnt hurt to point it out anyway, just in case your favorite line was something else.

12:57 AM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Hi Tui,

Glad to read you are doin OKish, you are bound to see/hear things that tempt you. I, like you, live in a small town, I have a dealer that lives a street away and I have to walk past his house every day. Still, yesterday I gotta clean urine test and was really chuffed. It really is like breakin up with someone you love, feels like something is missing ALL the time. I get my blood taken on Monday for Hep C test, not looking forward to gettin results! Tui, I hope you don't go back to all that shit, lots of love - Beth x

8:09 AM  
Anonymous Shaun said...

Just checking in. You can get through this T. It is alway the depression and the longings for that false friend, that gives you the false image that you can handle it just once.

I am betting on you.

try to write me


7:06 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Don't go back. Did you? Don't blog yourself into a corner either when you can't admit if you do lapse. Lapsing is not the same as relapsing (I once read. But it rang true. A relapse is getting addicted to it again.... but then again you're on methadone ... o I don't know....) Basically I'm going to have to cross the bridge you're driving across now.
They want me to go to rehab and I haven't told them I actually might (which would be the third time in treatment, second in rehab (first was emergency detox only) ... hohummmm

8:04 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

O btw here's the answer I left 4u at Ivy's site:

re puking:-

I have done that with methadone pills. They were still visible in the vomit. Thankfully I had loads more and - ta-daa! - the dealer turned up five minutes later anyhow.
Also he has arrived to see me pretend not to be puking on the doorstep. Ukk.

Hmm how lovely.
Hope you're ok now
gotta fly


8:05 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

o btw re blood - i once shot up an entire spoon full of someone else's dry blood believing it was brown heroin dregs.

o fuck that

surely God gave me a miracle bc I got out of the hiv, hep B, hep C tests unscathed. couldn't believe it.
also the time of the needle found on the floor that was so blunt I could barely skinpop with it let alone get any kind of vein... all for £3 worth of free "gear" that I could have saved... but I was high on crack. o shit
what a life eh??

8:08 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

btw I never thought I would disrespect myself like that before heroin came along EVER

also point 2: do you really think you would get a rush from heroin? is yours white you don't have to add citric to it? am I right?

ours is a brown opiate cocktail ie diamorph with morphine and opium dregs all mixed together...
I barely feel anything even when I do get a vein
I've gone everywhere but my groin and neck now

on that sunny note I'd better leave you

take care

ps: don't remember the heroin as better than it was!

8:10 PM  
Blogger tui said...

mm thanx, no i haven't effed up. Haven't used h since early feb, when i was sick (methadone script ran out). Haven't used daily since nov at least (when coke took over). Amazing. Doesn't stop me thinking about it though. It's a constant nagging whisper.

8:24 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

... i'm trying to think of some wise thing to say about the whisper apart from the obvious that i'm sure you're already doing (ie just ignoring it!)

3:07 PM  
Blogger jflamm said...

Who sings that song "of course I miss you and I miss you bad?"

10:41 PM  
Blogger Marco said...

The song is Golden Cage (Fred Falke Remix) of The Whitest Boy Alive

12:33 AM  
Blogger gloria said...

I really love that song "yes I missed you and I miss you bad!" good choose. Thanks to you, I finanly know who signs it...took me a while..Thanks for posting!!

11:24 AM  

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