Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Mirror mirror

It always seems to be this time. Sitting at my desk. Sore legs. Heroin behind me. Heroin ahead. I've finally found something in life that I don't procrastinate about. It's not by choice of course. My mind becomes strange, and when I try to not use, it's the enemy. It battles against me, hunting for reasons and excuses, trapdoors out of sterility and goodness. Part of me must want to feel shame and guilty. A dirtiness that I can't clean. I must secretly love the idea of throwing away everything. Or maybe i'm just trying to prove everyone who thinks I'm special wrong. Maybe I just want to fuck with myself until I'm nothing and then rebuild, independently and pure. Or maybe I'm trying to crawl back into the womb, helpless and cared for, my mother stroking my hair away from my face. Maybe I hate myself.

But I'm pretty and smart and I'm great at my job, I'll be the best at it one day and I'm loyal and honest and I let my best friend down and killed himself. That's right.

And my house is filled with my boyfriend's litter, and his tools, and I've worn the same dress to work, and slept in it, every day this week, and I earn more than my mother but I have to borrow from her. And when my boyfriend gets angry he gets vicious, and when he's not angry he's stealing from me.

That was really hard to write. I want to delete it so badly.

6 Comments:

Anonymous ::dharmabumwarrior said...

Tui,
You will make through today and tonite, you have the inner strength to do what is neccessary. I believe in you Tui, I feel you, every bit. I know I am not the only one. I read kel's comment from yesterday and others from other days. You have friends. Rely and draw on that inner strength of your own, and that of all the people that throw out the good vibes for you.

Yours,
Shaun

9:30 PM  
Blogger History of Madness said...

Good luck and wishes coming your way ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey I listed you on my links!

4:09 PM  
Anonymous mary said...

I'm glad you got it out though Tu..it's the beginning of healing..the ery beginning. I'm sorry you are feelig so shit about it all right now..but this process of seeing our lives as they really are in the moment..it's a part of evolving..challenging ourselves to 'see' who and what we really are. And that is never easy. You're a strong women who's in a lonely place right now..fight for yourself. I don't know the particulars..but I have a feeling you were not responsible for your friends passing. Unless we pull the trigger or something like it..we can't put that kind of blame on ourselves. We aren'y Gods..we can't stop someones's time no matter how much we wish we could.

Here's to a better tomorrow.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Tui, I am following your blog from Croatia. I dont want to give you any smart advice on how to believe in yourself and beat that inner monster inside you, because you already know what you have to do.
I just wanted to say good luck and to let you know that I am thinking positive thoughts for you and I hope that one day you will be “alive” and not suffering.

4:13 AM  
Anonymous KEL said...

Tui, Darling, don't. It's time. Time to get on methadone, throw out the loser, throw yourself into work and ride it out. The only thing on the other side is self destruction. I am living proof not all addicts have to crawl into the gutter to quit. I am so sorry I don't want to be preachy. But I have tears in my eyes and well I don't want you to hurt anymore.
Love.
KEL

1:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

writing it is so important. you are special.

8:35 PM  

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