Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Um

So my goals are shit. I could tell you all the excuses that I've told myself, but they hurt. Because I know they're just that, excuses. I don't know why I'm so unfocused, so undiscplined, so weak. It's one thing to have nice goals when my body isn't aching and my fringe isn't stuck to my forehead with sweat. When all I can think of is drugs, and I have the cash throbbing in my wallet. I want to stop, I really, really want to. Why isn't that enough?

3 Comments:

Anonymous Shaun said...

Tui,

If it was easy to quit, if we didn't blow the rent on it, if we didn't pull up syringe water from the backs of piss nasty commodes, why then they would call it a good habit not a nasty ass bad habit. Babe it is just so freaking hard and you really have to get sick of yourself and at the same time really start loving yourself enough to do the right thing. I read you everyday and my heart breaks for you everyday. Tui you know what the bad news is baby girl? It can get worse, much worse.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Shaun, tho I'm not a user... you have to love yourself enough to get out of the hole, and unfortunately, that hole is your community. When you are able to remove yourself from your present community, and seek help away from the influences that drag you back down, then you will begin. Kinda like flushin' the joint down the toilet, right? Verrry challenging. I'm cheering for you...

1:12 PM  
Blogger Mary Blackchurch said...

Your goals are not shit..we have the disease of addiction Tui..and it's a mind fuck at the best of times.

Not only do we tell ourselves we're weak, hopless and worse..when it's not the case...but society too has a way of shrugging addicts off as losers who just can't get it together.

I urge you to educate yourself on this disease you have...to take it slowly and with a plan that can work if done with the understanding there are times we all relapse. You don't have to be perfect right away...there are good clinics in this town..good therapists to help you work the stuff out inside your head while methadone works with your body. I can't tell you how key it is you be o n a high enough dose to cut your cravings. I know unless you get on with a private doctor the CLSC Centre Sud in town wants you to go everyday for the first 2 months (I think) and pick-up your juiced/dose. Until urines are clean too. Everyone I've ever known has a diffiuclt time during the first year or so. We have to re-learn what 'normal' is again..remember it.

I'm not in the city much these days but should be around more in July. Will be in touch.

Take care hon and be easy on yourself
Mary

11:03 AM  

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