Nothing nothing

It's lightning outside. I'm at my desk procrastinating. I don't want to leave. The rain will be warm and nice, but my legs are aching. It's that time. Thirsty for drugs, I have to keep pulling my mind back, it's stuck on drugs like it's a piece of bubble gum. I woke up after vivid drug dreams this morning. The whole night had been trying to hook up, or not having a syringe, or never being able to be alone etc. I rang the dealer from my bed. Watched for him out the window. Was an hour late to work. It's lucky I'm their star, I keep pushing, my punctuality is not the best, but still, I get my work done, and it's good. My blisters are hurting again, without opiates. They're on my feet, from walking too far in heels, running after my bus, and missing it. Climbing the big hill home. Often, I look down and my feet are bleeding. But there's nothing I can do, I just have to shrug off the pain, and it does get better, when there's no other options. It's like drugs. When I know I can't get it, there's no possible way, then I'm okay. I can handle it. But if I have access to the money and the dealer, the thought possesses me. Negative visualization.