Monday, June 05, 2006

Matter over mind

Saturday, I woke up too late. I smudged some foundation over the crooks of my arms, and wearing the same dress I'd fallen asleep in, I ran out the door. It was raining, Hard. I was jacketless, but the café was just around the corner. Sure enough, she was already there, head bowed, writing in a little book. I tapped on the window. I don't see my friends very often because of everything. It was the first time in months, we had a lot to catch up on. I ordered exactly what I always do, french toast and banana milkshake and coffee. She had poached eggs, they were served in a little white bowl filled with fluid. She drained it carefully as we talked.

We'd planned to go garage sale shopping, the neighbourhood is usually full of them at this time of year. But the weather was too bad for that. There was a fair advertised in the local paper, it sounded like it might be indoor, so we decided to walk over there. I carefully chose an umbrella from the store next door. I should have bought white, but I was feeling anxious, I couldn't trust myself. We walked across town, but the fair wasn't there. Maybe it was rained out too. We were damp by this time, despite my black umbrella, so she led me into a warm café. It was less than half a block from my dealers.

My heart was racing. Shakily, I checked through my bag for gear. Shit. Usually I always have it with me. The closest needle exchange was a 5 minute walk. How could I do it without her realizing? I could hear my heart beating over the café's music. I said I needed to make a phonecall. I ran to the dealer's door and pressed the intercom buzzer again and again. Finally someone else pushed open the door, I followed them in. Ran to the top floor. Past the familiar musty smells and chipped paint. Knocked and knocked. No one answered. I slunk back to the café. But it was on my mind, in my mind. All over it. Below every conversation a voice screamed in my head. I lasted for an hour and then I had to cut it short, go home and call.

3 Comments:

Anonymous KEL said...

These are the very reasons I wanted to quit. The fact that I could not enjoy a single day out with a friend because I had to think about scoring and fixing all the time. I am so happy you are making an effort.
KEL

4:21 PM  
Blogger Mary Blackchurch said...

No doubt...it's incredibley tough this whole kicking thing. The only thing that ever helped take that kind of crave away from me for awhile was/is methadone. I'll be happy when wee can finally get walk-out script for Buprenorphine aka Suboxone & Subutex here in Canada. They've gone ahead and approved it now we wait for doctor's & bureaucrats to come up with an acceptable perscribing protocol. What I don't get is why it's taking them so bloody long..we're usually leaps and bounds ahead of the US when it comes to opiate addiction treatment. I mean the states has been using it successfully for over a decade or more..so what's up. We can have legal needle exchanges all over the place..the NAOMI heroin trials but not Bup..very bizarre.

What happend with the methadone program Tui..are you still on it?

Mary

6:09 PM  
Blogger tui said...

I'm still on the program. They keep putting me higher. What's Buprenorphine?

6:20 PM  

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