Friday, May 19, 2006

Open your fucking eyes



I thought I'd paid my rent. I thought my money card was lost.

I found out yesterday my boyfriend had stolen my card and took out the rent money he knew I had carefully saved so the cheque wouldn't bounce. To make matters worse- it was two months rent. Yesterday he took an additional 200 bucks out because I just got paid. I have a new card now. With a new pin.

All this makes me sick to my stomach. I feel betrayed. I had my methadone meeting today. I met my new nurse. She is a butch lesbian and very strict, she makes dumb jokes and laughs heartily at them. She also repeats herself a lot. But she was spot on about him.

She told me to get him out and change the locks. I told her that he breaks in anyway sometimes. If he forgets the keys or something, even though it's on the second story, he climbs up the wall and onto the balcony, where I have a door he can jimmy open. She said to call the police if he breaks in.

It's just so damn hard. His excuses, his eyes. But I'm used to it now, and I know it won't get better. It's definately getting worse. He is jeopardising my apartment intentionally, because he wants me to move in with him. He fucked my account balance again, even though he heard me budgeting carefully down to the last dollar. He knows how my debt is on a tightrope right now. I'm barely keeping my head above water. I can't cover two months rent right now, I just can't.

Sorry, I'll stop complaining. I've complained for too long and done nothing. Now it's my own fault.
In better news, my presentation at work went great. I dread weekends. I'd never leave this place if had the choice. I'm so safe here, from all the shit in my life. But it's 4:12pm Friday. So I'm going to leave and get high. And I'll feel okay about all of this. In fact, I'll feel just fine.

8 Comments:

Blogger tui said...

The question is not what you look at, but what you see.
-Henry David Thoreau

I think this quote sums up what I was trying to say. It's so damn true. It really refers to everything.
I found a similar quote at postsecret, an art project/website where people post secrets. One women posted:

"I hated my mother's music, until I moved away."

I feel like this about a lot of things in my life.

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry. It sounds like you are trying to get things under control and he is completely out of control. I know it is hard though.

I hope things get better for you.

Libby

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

New card....new PIN...new boyfriend?

This is a no-brainer...

Get out of dodge (literally leave the city), leave the boyfriend, get into re-hab and do it soon.

That is a no-brainer as well...

I know it aint easy but you need to make a move...things will only get better when you are out of his way.

Good Luck.

6:02 PM  
Anonymous Yoshi said...

Oh Tui. I love you like a sister but my words are worthless when it comes to your boyfriend.

I wish I could some how make you realise what you need to do but I know I cant... It makes me sad.

It's like a women who gets bashed but won't leave her husband for whatever reason...

Look what your bf is doing to you, every week you write about some fucked up, cruel, mean, inconsiderate, deceitful thing he has done, selling your laptop, stealing your money, everything, yet, every week your still with him...

I love you tui! so much, your wonderful, but girl, no one can help you unless your prepared to help yourself first, leave that fuckwit, move away, goodbye, forever, never to see him again.

What value does he bring to your life? all I read is destruction! his not only wrecking his life, but yours, your future, what's it worth? what's it going to give you? wheres it taking you?

Oh babe, love u heaps, but please, WAKE UP! ... Look what your life is becoming, working hard for nothing!, to help some looser exist, so he can always cheat you out...

xoxox

Stay strong babe.
Call if I can help!

xxx

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

right on Yoshi! Tui ive only just started reading your blog last week but 2 things really need to happen, 1. leave the silly boyfriend 2. get into re-hab real quick smart before its too late.

Best of luck, you sound awesome.

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

can't agree more Tui..you are a wonderful person....he sucks like badgers...

6:43 PM  
Blogger tui said...

I would leave the city in a flash if I could. What stops me is my job. It's amazing, they pay me so well, and I absolutely love it. This is the best agency I've ever worked for. It's super creative and fun. I'm reluctant to give up on it, because I think it would make me way more depressed when I'm clean.

I just want my boyfriend to move out, not see him at all, be clean, throw myself into work. Hang out with my friends again (the ones who don't use)... and be me again, but happier. I will do it, wait and see.

11:15 AM  
Anonymous mary said...

Now that sounds like a plan Tu..oe that will make this city and wonderful place if you can do it. I'm betting on ya.

11:56 AM  

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