Thursday, September 21, 2006


Always, right when I think I'm too smart. I've been ripped off so many times. I always think I'll learn, I never do. It's because junkys get these big eyes. Honest eyes. And I'm miss trustworthy, I have a complex, i'm proud. So I trust them. I'm stupid I know. But this day, I had no one else to ask. My options were all out. One picking up. One's phone fucked. One not where he was supposed to be. And so I went with this strange man, Roberto. He told me not to be nervous. I said I was sick, really sick. And I was. It was 8pm at least by that time, and I hadn't had anything. Sweat was pouring off me. Sticking my dress to me, pasted on. My hair was wet too, it could have been raining. He said it was just around the corner. He said, "wait here, at this corner. I will be four streetlights down." He pointed. I looked, it was all shadowy. I nodded. He had my money in his hands, it was $40 I'd borrowed off a friend. It was all my money in the world (as always). Of course I didn't wait there, I rode my bike down to the fouth streetlight the minute he disappeared into the shadows. I waited for an hour at least. Then I rode back and forth shouting "Roberto... Roberto" at the top of my lungs. No one told me to shut up, but I felt guilty and a bit wierd, doing it too much. So I rode my bike home and watched television. It doesn't feel so painful now, but it was.


Anonymous Bethany said...

Something pretty similar happened to me about a month ago...

I wasn't sick as I'd had my meth but I really wanted to treat myself - I've moved to a new area so had to ask a complete stranger, he seemed fine at the time, I gave him £50 (which was nearly all the money I end). Long story short - he left me waiting in an alley way and didn't come back. I was seething but more with myself for being such an idiot, in hindsight I shouldve asked for his mobile. It makes me mad even thinking about it now! I, like you, am too trusting..

What a tosser tho...

7:38 AM  
Blogger Too Dark Park said...

that sucks.. im sorry to hear that.. similar things have happened to me..

'hey chris.. go meet me here.. call me when you're there'

call back..

no answer for what seems like 3 weeks.. or a simple straight to the answering machine bullshit technique.

we're a slave to these people. they know that.


it was really nice chatting though.. look forward to more of that soon :)

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Don't worry about trust issues. You seem to have bigger issues here. To admit you're a heroin addict?

Now, your dream makes sense. Yes, only you can turn off the blender.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. It's just not a trust thingy.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog makes me sad. I've read more and I see how IN the drug you are.

Your tag line resds: picture the opposite of how the media shows heroin addicts. It doesn't matter how addicts look/ are shown. It's what is inside that counts. Your soul and your wellbeing is more important than any drug.

I challenge you and other addicts to seek help. And if you have and it didn't work, seek some help again. And search again, if needed.

There is only one way down a spiral of drugs...

4:56 PM  
Blogger Lazy said...

Hi TUI and well met. Mail me if you want to know more about ibogaine. It is a controlled drug in the US but unclassified in most of Europe, unfortunately for you. But there are ways around that. A lot of what you can read on the net about it seems very romanticised; you will want to speak to someone who has actually used it to kick heroin.

Like I say, there is a painless cure for heroin addiction. It's called death.

But if you manage to reduce to say 30-40mg methadone per day, ibogaine is the closest thing to a painless cure there is. It was horrific for me, but I stopped short from a completely unreasonable amount of opiates. I could shoot or smoke a gram of heroin a day, on top of a morphine script.

A great advantage of doing it like that instead of the usual interminable reduce, fuck up again, reduce, fuck up again is that after going through a few days of (relative) hell, you will have made a powerful act of will and a symbolic break with opiates, and you will be so relieved once the suffering is over that you won't be eager to go back to it. At least for a while.

9:38 AM  

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