Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Bad! Bad!

I used to fantasize about my friends' fathers. And in the height of shame and secrecy, about my own. The more wrong I knew the feelings were, the more they excited me. That was from my early childhood on. My instincts were primed from as young as I can remember, I'd sneak away and rub my panties. I'd use my baby knife, small and dull, with a yellow plastic handle, rubbing with the flat side. Because I'd use it for that, I stopped eating with it, worried it was dirty.

I was about 5 when I was caught with my younger cousin, 3. I think we were naked, in bed. Not really sure what we were doing, just writhing. But I knew it was bad when his mother, a frighteningly religious woman, burst in, whipping the bed clothes off us, and hauling him out to scrub him down or something. However, it was usually girls that I'd play sex with, my parents too wary of boys to leave me alone with them, unless they were family.

That cousin is married now, to a religious girl. He was staunchly no-sex before marriage, with squeaky clean language and regular church attendance. His mother was mad because he dated without a chaperone, but hey, everyone rebels somehow.

The only way I can understand religion is to compare it to science. People believe in it as blindly as I believe in something that is "scientifically proven." Strange.


Blogger ChapFu said...

i'm riveted to your life, or what you write. i'm not sure why. i'll let you know.

1:07 AM  
Blogger The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

Religion provides the relief to people knowing that "there is something else" out there guiding things along. also allows people to grieve easier when people die knowing that they went "elsewhere".

the very

10:49 AM  
Blogger tui said...

Chapfu... I have no idea why either! I'm glad. Thanks.

The very.... I totally agree. When my best friend died, more than anything I wanted to believe in heaven. If I thought he was going there, and I would meet him again, I could feel okay about things. The thought that I will never see him again is hard to accept. But I just can't belive in heaven, no matter how hard I try. It seems like an egotistical invention by humans. I don't believe we're that special. Dust to dust.

12:30 PM  
Blogger The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

We agree, Tui. Although-- as a side note- i dont believe in heaven, but yet i do believe that somethings else may happend upon out death- but i dont view it from a religious angle at all...

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

were you molested when you were younger? this is not a normal behavior in little kids. if you know too much about sex at a very young age, it's probably because something had happened to you.

1:59 PM  
Blogger tui said...

oh fuck off

2:27 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

actually, anon, it is "normal" behaviour in little kids. the age of experimentation starts around 3; as young as 2 they figure out that boys and girls have different parts. I was trying to "make babies" at age 5 w/a girl age 4. Of course, uh....nothing came up, so to speak, but I knew exactly which part went where and what had to be done. Biology, however, hadn't caught up yet.

as far as fantasizing about one's own father...well, there's the Oedipus Complex and then, I suppose there's the reverse.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Too Dark Park said...

that was a really interesting post.. i can identify with being curious in very obscure ways at a young age. i also agree with the Oepidus Complex as a contributing factor.

fascinating post..

4:44 PM  
Blogger slyboots2 said...

It's called the Electra Complex. Freud identified it, etc, etc, etc.

And I was a rather precocious little kid too- and wasn't molested either. The rope climb in gym class at school was always kinda fun...

10:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Life's short, call now...

6:17 AM  
Blogger Lx said...

LIFE'S SHORT? are you insane? it's the longest fucking thing you do. what else do you do for 70 + years??

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anon is a tool.

I was sexually curious from a very young age, and no one ever touched me.

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had the same experience as tui....I would touch myself starting at the age of prob. 4. My girl cousins and I would get on top of eachother and "play". Young girls are especially curious. I was never molosted. This is normal. I major in psychology. Children often fantasise about sibilings or parents because they are most comfortable around them.

5:00 PM  

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