Monday, July 24, 2006

Empty

I fronted from the dealer for the first time on Friday. I said I would pay him back the next day. I'm good at that. I always keep my word. I had fronted it for my boyfriend and me. Knowing he was sick. When I met him, I already had it. But somehow, he had wangled money so he'd already called them. "Perfect," I said. You can pay them the money we owe right away. But he came back with more drugs. "I'll just pay it tomorrow," he said. "I'm making lots then." Tomorrow came. We fought because I worried about it too much. I got on his nerves. He didn't pay it. Sunday, I pawned my computer. Enough to pay for drugs and to pay my debt. But foolishly, I let him meet the drug dealer alone. Today, sick. Broke. Aching. Want to cry. Called the dealer and asked him to front me one. "What about the $60 you already owe me?" "But... My boyfriend paid you yesterday." "No he didn't. He bought more drugs." Fucking hell. When I was sick last night, he must have been in the bathroom doing drugs. The money that should have paid the dealer back. At the very least, he could have lied about it, but shared it with me. I wish there was some way, any way, I could just have something right now. Everything is too raw and painful and fucked. He made me break my word. He stole from me. He watched me be sick, while he got high on twice his dose. I'm going to go get my cat from his place, and go home. It's time. I've seen everything I need to. That's enough.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Peripat said...

It's terrible how drugs make some people turn into selfish, lying assholes.
Thinking of you, Tui.

12:12 AM  
Anonymous heroine/girl said...

I'm sorry but this guy is fucking the worst thing to happen to your life, it's so frustrating to watch.
It is only going to get worse (as it has) and you need to start talking to professionals now. You have a very strong addiction and it can kill you. Fact. One of you could very well die and that's me being positive.

In order to fight for your life back you have to believe it is worth something to save. Start with that, for at least three hours a day until you are so filled with rage and impatience that you totally break through the insanity that getting better entails and become totally hopelessly dependant on the real world. Its not fucking easy and you really will want this time back.

You are fucking worth it girl.
Seriously.

HG

7:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you have any people around you that you enjoy being with who don't use heroin? You seem like such an interesting, intelligent and lovely person, I just don't understand why you don't try to replace your boyfriend with friends who can give you strength and maybe even help you rather than use you in the worst way. Reading this really hurt.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

yeh.
what everyone up above me said.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stop blaming your bf for all your problems. He may be a jerk, but you use him as an excuse to keep being a junkie while blaming him. And it gets old when you keep saying you're done with the drugs and you're not going to see him anymore, but you continue the same shit over and over,

10:21 AM  
Blogger tui said...

Ha. Anon, don't read if it's boring. Sometimes real life is like that. I always mean it when I say I want to stop. I mean it completely. That's what's scary about addiction. My mind flips on me, it's hard to trust myself.

5:01 PM  

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