Empty

I fronted from the dealer for the first time on Friday. I said I would pay him back the next day. I'm good at that. I always keep my word. I had fronted it for my boyfriend and me. Knowing he was sick. When I met him, I already had it. But somehow, he had wangled money so he'd already called them. "Perfect," I said. You can pay them the money we owe right away. But he came back with more drugs. "I'll just pay it tomorrow," he said. "I'm making lots then." Tomorrow came. We fought because I worried about it too much. I got on his nerves. He didn't pay it. Sunday, I pawned my computer. Enough to pay for drugs and to pay my debt. But foolishly, I let him meet the drug dealer alone. Today, sick. Broke. Aching. Want to cry. Called the dealer and asked him to front me one. "What about the $60 you already owe me?" "But... My boyfriend paid you yesterday." "No he didn't. He bought more drugs." Fucking hell. When I was sick last night, he must have been in the bathroom doing drugs. The money that should have paid the dealer back. At the very least, he could have lied about it, but shared it with me. I wish there was some way, any way, I could just have something right now. Everything is too raw and painful and fucked. He made me break my word. He stole from me. He watched me be sick, while he got high on twice his dose. I'm going to go get my cat from his place, and go home. It's time. I've seen everything I need to. That's enough.