Friday, July 21, 2006

Oh it's you

Itchy, itchy. Maybe you can tell I've been avoiding writing. Yes I've been posting. All sorts of nonsense. But now it's a nice time to write. People's voices fading into the early evening, out the door, down the side streets onto the bus and home. Not me. I stay, crooked and surrounded in paper. Bare feet, my heels lying beside me. Wheeling on my office throne. Making paper boats to throw down the St. Laurence. Of varying sizes and quality. This morning, we were waiting on the street corner for the dealer when I saw the girl I haven't seen in a long time. She has a flower name, and her eyes all over my boyfriend. Skin to skin, whenever she can get that close. Round, pretty face. Porcelain skin, but her laugh is too big and too early. She's one of those, she nods before she knows the question. I'm sure they all talk at the dinner parties. "Tui. Drugs. Poor Tui. What a shame. What a waste. Blah blah blah. Junky." I never liked being looked up to. I don't like being pitied. I've been careful with my arms and only one is bad now. A glob of pale foundation and a slightly bent arm and I'm just another girl. Except if my purse spilled open, I'd be standing in a big pile of used needles and spoons and wrappers and waters. And my face would go bright red. And I'd wish I could shrink into the evidence and hide. Because I still care.


Anonymous Miss chief said...

hey tui,
oh the memories of cover-up on my arms and unconciously being able to always have one slightly bent arm, and dreading summer and always being uncomfortably hot and wishing to wear something sleeveless.
i love your sight and hope for you every day that it will be your last one using. hang in there.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Lx said... of my favorite novels.
i don't give advice on these kinds of matters; not qualified to.
i don't offer even my opinion on it.
not qualified to.
hope you beat it and win in the end.

6:58 AM  
Blogger ChapFu said...

when i first found this blog of yours, i was fascinated. your level of honesty was/is disarming and draws me in. i've never been addicted to anything so some part of me wondered how this happens. i've been curious about heroin, specifically but the idea of seeking it out and paying for it and learning all the ins and outs, on top of the likelihood of addiction or just bad decisions, i've never really done it. not sure what i would do if it were right in front of me and easy.
all this to say that posts such as this just leave me feeling sad. i'm not judging or pitying or anything of the sort. just a big, all-encompassing sadness about what we are and how it shouldn't be like this.

12:30 PM  
Blogger The Letter D said...

Damn, you can write your ass off (if my meaning is lost in cultrual translation, trust me, it's a good thing).

5:26 PM  

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