Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm back

The weekend was hell. I thought I had enough for it, $500. I should have known better. That was gone in two days. I'm such a fucking idiot. The third day was very painful, that was Easter. I cried a lot. TV was harsh, everything bright and big and emotional. Rapes and murders. My dad rang me, I spoke to my little brother on the phone. I was sobbing then, trying to get the words out, pretending I wasn't. We weren't even talking about anything special, it was just the distance between us. The years, the countries, the realities. Dad was asking when I'd buy a house, I couldn't tell him I had 62 cents and am drowning in bills. I have to start living for me. Being real. Wake up. Face the sadness and walk through it. Ignore why I'm depressed. Try to forget my dead friends. And most of all, forget the cure.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Peripat said...

*Hugs*

Being so far from home can be hard. As if junkiedom isn't tough enough already!

As the child of a wandering couple (dad from Auckland, mum from western Queensland) I thought I had no real home. A year in the United States (2002-2003) told me otherwise. It all felt so alien! Stepping on an Air New Zealand jet in Honolulu, I nearly cried... these were my people, I was back among people I considered kin.

For the record, it says Australian on my passport, but I spent three of my early childhood years in Auckland, and indeed New Zealand is far more a part of me than is Perth (where apparently I was born).

Kia kaha, Tui mate... hang in there.

- Peri
(If you need a friend to chat to, see the "contact" details on my blog - my email works as MSN Messenger, too.)

6:25 AM  
Blogger tui said...

Peripat, thanks, you're amazing. There's something about the South Pacific, so lush and raw, it makes me long for home. I am super retarded at computer-things, but I'll try to figure out msn. I'd love to talk-

9:47 AM  
Blogger Mary Blackchurch said...

Hi Tui,

Yes you got that one right on..Peri is a fine woman. And home is hoome..no matter how far we roam from it. Can so relate to what Peri said about
'my people.' There's just something about that.

You sound really down..are you feeling any better today..sure hope so.

I've been where you're at so many, many times it's hard to not want to help somehow..but I know that can only come from within. Only how hard is that to do when within is all scrambeled about..feeling alone..and sick.

Hit me up with MSN anytime..if you can figure it out...if not let me know if I can help you do it.
maryblackchurch@hotmail.com

Mary

2:29 PM  
Blogger tui said...

Thanks, Mary. I appreciate your kind words-

1:44 PM  

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