Thursday, March 01, 2007

Weightless

Sun on my back. I'm okay kiddies.
10 days to home. And the methadone detox. Swimming with the dolphins, lounging in the shady, fern filled courtyard, the smell of flowers and sea in my nose. I have these big aviator sunglasses. They look normal from the outside. But through them, the world looks sunny. Happy. I call them my therapy glasses. They take the edge of the icy blue sky here, razoring my nerves away. Anxious mornings. Don't like waking up. Unemployed on methadone, I could sleep to four pm and go to bed again at ten. I want to. I wish. The nightmares have gone. Drugs too. Heroin once, my first day back. Two fucked up attempts at coke, fumbling through the scar tissue, blood splattered floor, heart in my throat. It makes me want to vomit. Last time I called him, the mafia-oso dealer, pseudo hot, lanky, young, increasingly flirtatious, cloying, I waited ten minutes. There, on the street corner. Shivering. Nauseous with anticipation. Hopping one foot to another. Men driving slowly, the way they always do, thinking I'm a hooker. I just try not to look at them. He was a minute late. The nausea deepened. The hate thickened, like something big and heavy deep in my stomach. A taxi had stopped at the lights. So I just ran to it. Shaking still, jumped in. Went to the pharmacy. Handed over my dollar, gulped down my small bottle of methadone and tang.
Trying not to think of him waiting there, at the corner. In his big expensive car. Beating the steering wheel with his fist. Swearing at me in Italian. I don't know why, or how, I left like that. I'd always wanted to, in the past, waiting for dealers. Never had the guts. I know how angry they get. I know he'll hang up on me, if I was cheeky enough to try and call him again. But just maybe, I don't care.

10 Comments:

Blogger monicker said...

Therapy glasses, I like it.

Small victories, right?

11:15 PM  
Anonymous s said...

i used to have some pinky-purpley glasses, they made the world rose tinted, it was nice looking out at people and seeing them in a different light, even for a while :)

you've always had the guts to do this, its scary but i believe you can do it. keep in there x

4:10 PM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

Fuck with their heads, send them to fucked up places to meet you with ever-more convoluted stories about what the fuck is going on, make them wait, make them drive around, play on their greed and tell em you want to spend a lot of money... then later tell them you were picked up by the cops or something and that's why you couldn't show, and do it all again... It's considered a great sport in some sophisticate circles, dealer-baiting...

Have you ever tried Subutex (buprenorphine), Tui? I find it hugely superior to methadone, but I don't know if they use it there... They've started using it in the UK over the last couple years quite a bit now, although in Europe (France particularly) they were using it to treat junkies years ago...

It's a synthetic opiate, it stops you rattling, leaves your head pretty clear, blocks heroin from your brain even if you take some (you have to take loads to break through...), and prevents craving in a way methadone doesn't...

It interacts strangely with heroin and methadone... the tricky bit is doing the transition from one to the other... after that, it's probably the most gentle and pleasant reduction cure there is...

12:05 AM  
Blogger I.:.S.:. said...

As you can probably guess, the ibogaine worked... at first... I should have gone away somewhere afterwards... instead I stayed put, same friends, same job, same bullshit, and in no time at all (1-2 months) the boredom got me... and before I knew it, I was shooting a gramme a day up my arm again... Now I checked into care and they put me on a subutex maintenance/reduction programme... I already left my old 'hood (or manor, like we say here), and soon I'm going away for a while... An effective cure needs a geographical element too, I think...

Ten days no heroin, and I feel great... Sometimes I think the best thing about smack is coming off... How many people get the opportunity to experience re-birth and resurrection in that same way?

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck, there are many rooting for your success.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I'm pretty sure subutex is in NZ. Not 3rd world Montreal. So maybe I,ll try a switch. If feasible. But really, I jst want to reduce off the done quick smart. As much as possible. I've never liked it, never craved it. I want it out of me. CHange is everything, when quitting. It\s amazing how much easier it makes it. Holy hell
TUi

5:40 PM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Great post, Tui. So glad to know things are well. take care, m

6:37 PM  
Blogger hospitality widow said...

Please hang in there, Tui. That was a brave move. Go home, see your mum, and be you again.

xxx

9:32 AM  
Blogger rX said...

congratulations. and good luck.
xxx

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Mary said...

I take this to mean you're on the road back home to Oz. I'm happy for you Tui, and hope all turns out as it should be..it's easier when people who love you are round. Sorry our fair city ate you up..and it can be a that when dope isn't involved. I remember.

Also sorry we never met being as we were so close..but something inside me said if we did it could only lead to more addiction..more insanity..so I resisted. It didn't mean I wasn't pulling for you or didn't care. Because I did..do.

Good luck fair lady..happy, happy life.

10:12 AM  

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