Saturday, February 17, 2007

The catalyst- an update

She hugged me tight at the airport, crying into my shoulder. I’d only seen her cry once before, the day her father died. Oh mum. I wanted to tell her everything, force her to save me. Stop me leaving. Put her in charge. But the relatives stood broad, a wall of pleats and perms, impossibly close, and anyway, I couldn’t find the words. I’d tried before, but nothing came, not even a stutter. I’d convinced myself it would be the end of everything to tell her. I couldn’t watch her face, her eyes. The crumple from inside, all my fault. So I cried too, my face turned away, posture brave.

Oceans between us, I switched on my computer. Spine sagging under the weight of the 33 hours of flights and airport lounges. Her email made my blood roar. My beautiful daughter, it began. She’d admitted it to herself too late. The damaged veins, the strange pharmacies. The clues I’d laid out, like cards, waiting for a question, the one she was too frightened to ask. She loves me, she wants me home, she loves me, she loves me. No blame, or judgement. The relief poured down my face as tears. Of course she loves me.


Anonymous Tamra said...


Go home!!!!!!!! What a gift your mum has given you.... you don't ever have to doubt or question her love for you. Take the gift...


6:19 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

Mother's are the last to confront you and the first to be there when you are ready for help, they open up the nest again for you to be nursed back to sanity and health.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous mary said...

Of course she does sweetheart..more than life itself. She always has, does and always will.

Why do we sometimes have the hardest time believing we can be that loved. It's mind boggling.

7:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a parent. I love my kids so much, there is no blame possible for me with them. I would do anything, anything at all, for them. They don't always believe this, they doubt this. I love them forever and for always and will never back down, never quit, never ever turn away from anything.

Tui, you are loved, you have family, and family, however complex and nasty and failed, always has the capacity to save you, and you to save them.

I guess you just realized that you are not all alone, huh.


2:43 PM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...


This is a great moment in your epic saga -- you've got me dying to know what will happen next -- do you still have your job? Will you return home? Etc. I suppose, like the AA people say, more will be revealed in due time. Still, I'm wanting to know! take care, m

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tui, take your mother's offer and go home. Get your life together and make a clean start.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Megs said...

GO HOME....she loves you, she's not judging you. It's home. Safe. Please go home and get healthy.

7:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wonderful. . . and glad you're back :)


4:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

of course she loves you. nothing will ever be as strong as the bond of love beetween a mother and daughter.
keep writing, sweetness...
rxqueen xxx

3:33 PM  
Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hi Tui! Hope all is well and if all else fails, come to Detroit ;)

11:22 PM  
Blogger havemycake said...

you're back...i'm glad.

9:24 AM  
Blogger tui said...

Thanks everyone, for your comments. Seriously, thank-you. I've been trying not to think about drugs, or write about them. Numb my brain with telly and books, the way normal people do. Love-

3:14 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

And it's so pretty here.

1:59 AM  

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