Monday, August 21, 2006

Brrr

My dose of methadone has been upped to 80mgs from 65. I slept all weekend. And yesterday, for the first time in months, I didn't score. This morning, before work, I couldn't risk taking my dose. I'd be fighting to stay awake, and I have some presentations, and a lot of work to get done today. But fuck I'm jittery, without it. It's like having 5 cups of coffee or a too-big shot of coke. My stomach is swimming with nerves. My hands fluttering. My bones are cold, my dress is stuck to me with sweat. I'm drinking chamomile tea, but it's not helping. God I want to run away and inject some warm yellow heroin, sunshine into my veins. Calm, warmth. Okayness.

13 Comments:

Blogger chelle said...

good for you! stay strong, i hope the jitters go away sometime soonish.

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

miss tui
wishing you all the best with your recovery.
from a loving reader who thinks & worries about you.

2:58 PM  
Blogger tui said...

Thanks lovelies

4:46 PM  
Blogger Lx said...

i third that.

6:53 PM  
Blogger ChapFu said...

the balancing act is dizzying. that "okayness" must be something. jesus.

11:59 AM  
Blogger tui said...

god, it's amazing. It's like a tight tight hug that protects you from everything.

12:43 PM  
Blogger tui said...

But I wish now that I'd never discovered it. You can't miss what you don't know.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Too Dark Park said...

hey tui..

stay strong.. find happiness.. get inspired somehow. find reasons to stay off heroin. i know you can.. . you have it in you to be real without it.

we'll talk soon ..

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't want to ask what happened to your plan to stop shooting up. I wish you all the best!!!

4:14 PM  
Blogger tui said...

I'm always planning. That's my problem.

5:26 PM  
Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Hey Tui,

I'm finding your blog compelling via Monicker's. After doing a lot of research with the Warhol crew and staying at the Chelsea in NYC, is this real? Good luck to you!
Cheers from Detroit, Erik

1:55 AM  
Blogger tui said...

Hi Erik, unfortunately, yes, all this is true. I got myself into a habit a year and a bit ago, and I've been trying to pull myself out ever since. Thanks for reading... it's nice to meet you. Tui

10:52 AM  
Blogger Jade said...

I know only too well what you're going through...Im 7 years clean and counting, good luck sweetie, it's a bright beautiful day on the other side I promise.

7:21 PM  

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