Thursday, March 02, 2006

rah!

I have to stop using on top of my methadone. The strange thing is, a part of me doesn't even want to use, It's just habit. I lie on my bed, shuffling, anxious. Bangs slicked to my forehead with sweat. And then finally I cave, it seems impossible but there's always a way. Just let that cheque bounce, pawn my ipod or my laptop, borrow it. $100 is happiness.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Yoshi said...

Man.

You sound like me. It's a crazy life, isn't it?

I'm in Methadone too and as you, I've been using daily on top of it. Why? I don't know! I'm not hanging out, I just want to use.

I think I have a needle afixiation.

Like you, I've been pawning my stuff, my mobile and other things are in hock. I've ran out of things to sell and right now I have nearly no cashola.

Ah well, it's the likes of our world, what can we do except live it!...

But yeah, I need to really try and stick to my done and stop this stuff but at the same time, without my heroin I feel like I've lost my best friend, I become so bored and lonely...

Always!
Yoshi...

8:56 PM  
Blogger tui said...

Yes I know exactly what you mean. It's like a warm blanket. Or a super tight hug. The needle thing is me too. I first got into using needles with speed. That was amazing. But I'm a downer girl at heart. I hate the anxiety that comes with uppers. See ya Yoshi, thanks for writing-

9:29 PM  
Anonymous sickgirl said...

I am exactly in the same position. I most definitely have a fixation and fascination with the needle - no doubt in my mind about this issue and me! My dose is really near high enough that the worst I go through every day is minor withdrawal and I know that I don't really need another hit of something else - partly habit also I know.

I know that I am also near my stabilized dose - hopefully within two weeks I should be up there. I was on meth from 1999 to 2001 and to be honest, once I was at a comfortable dose - mine back then was 95mg - I never did another opiate the rest of the time. In fact, even after I had tapered down and stopped methadone, it wasn't until three years after that that I did another opiate.

The saddest or crasiest part of me picking up again was nothing but sheer boredom. I didn't have any major, never-ending, mind-numbing cravings. No, I just felt like it. Didn't help that my Dad basically had an all you could eat opiate buffet when he was going thru chemo and radiation.

Cheers,

sickgirl

10:31 AM  

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