It's early morning again. I have nothing on my schedule except a meeting at 9.30am, which means I have to leave home right away. And then read the new york times for eight hours, trying not to think of drugs. It's the anticipation that kills me. Sometimes I just say I'm going to 'brainstorm' and catch a cab to my dealer's. It's risky in case anyone needs me, and it always takes at least an hour and a half. Last night, I got my laptop back from the pawn shop- just an hour before they would be the new owners. Now I have to figure out how to protect it from my boyfriend. He's the one who pawned it. I've considered locking it with those metal cord locks for laptops. But what to? He's strong and he has a lot of tools. If he's junksick there's not much I can do. And I kind of understand, I know that creeping feeling, the anxiety in the heart, time trickling past.